//livin for todayy

Hello there, again.

2007-07-20T15:21:00.000+08:00

It has been, more than two years since i've blogged here.
I've continued to blog of course,
my language has changed, as well as the things i usually talk about.

I'm still quite the same person, in that i don't blog about my schedule though i've found myself doing that a bit more now.
I've changed, very much, in terms of looks and the things that i do.

I've always loved acting and singing, and now,
i'm glad to say that i am a whole lot closer to my dreams(of being involved in the media) now compared to two years ago.

couple of pictures from my most recent Photoshoot with Teenage Magazine,
taken just yesterday.
and update really.

I've also left my Government school,
Paya Lebar Methodist Girls' Secondary School.

It's a disgustingly long story,
but bottom line,
is that as much as i still do, and always will love the school i have grown up in,
i just couldn't stand being in such a rigid and anal place.

To a certain extent it was about being held back a year and all,
on top of being suspended anyway,
but i just didn't really want to have to force myself to stay in that kind of environment where i couldn't, at the end of the day, work or learn properly and would always have to look over my shoulder.

Right now i'm in a private school and gawd, i'm infinitely happier.
i'm studying better, and doing exactly what i love.
Actively involved in acting and singing,
i have found that being involved with the media is a much easier goal to reach than it ever was before.

I've also come back here to, more than update you,
whoever "you" might be,
it's to provide a link to my new blog.

When i just started out that blog,
i wanted to keep it as private as possible.
Coming from a school where employees blog hop and used blog contents against students,
i didn't want that.
Thus, the huge secrecy.

of course, i realized, that lots of unknown people come to my blog anyway.

being a bit of a ditz, i've never quite figured that out.
but hello, i mean, when you blog or set up a new blog, and don't release your blog address, you don't quite expect people to know about it.
Yet, somehow they just do.

So just in case there've actually been people who still view this blog
(and are just about giving up on it, two years IS a lot of time)
here is the link to my "new" blog:

http://withloveme.blogspot.com

"New" because, it's not very new now is it?
haha.

Having just gone through a recent breakup with the guy i was still talking about during my last few posts here,
my blog is a bit of an emo bitch.
do be a bit more tolerant of my rants and all,
as well as the whole dark layout thing going on.

this other blog, when i realized that many unknowns go there anyway,
has been like mentioned on stuff like BlogTV as well as Kids Central's Hi! Tech.

the address has been plugged over and over,
and i was, for like five minutes, given the title of
"celebrity blogger"

oh laugh all you want.

but anyway, if you've kept on reading this unchanging blog post,
Thank you and you can now move on(:

now, there's really nothing stopping you from reading my blog, is there?

Just in case it interests you, i've got another blog, specially for all my poems.
Most of them are original and yes, copyrighted,
and i do also put up a few poems which i like very much.

http://wordsof-emotion.blogspot.com

enjoy.

all my love, and a little more.

xoxo

goodbye -

2005-05-08T04:02:00.000+08:00

i've changed my blog .
no,
i havn't tired of this one .
i've just,
decided it was time for a change .
i'm not going to display my blog address for all to see,
if you see it,
you do .
i'm not deleting this blog either,
too many memories i'd like to keep .
too much to say goodbye to
and i can't .
i simply can't .

basically this is to bid thee farewell .
there isn't a link to archives but i'll still be able to read back though .
haha .
and i'll lose myself in the world of a thirteen year old where everything was black and gothic .
and screw this screw that,
to hell with everything .
haha .

i've changed .
for the worse or better i don't know .
i know im a year older now .
i know i'm just that bit closer to leaving singapore .
i know deep down,
i'm still an emotional someone who'd cry over the littlest things .

but anyways,
goodbye and goodnight .
i've loved having you read my blog .
don't let anything stop you from continuing .

Mother's Day:)

2005-05-08T02:38:00.000+08:00

i set up the lamp i got mummy in her room=]
she liked it .
haha .

happy mother's day to all mummy's out there .
damn i can't wait to be one myself .
haha .

it's a good week=]

2005-05-04T12:33:00.000+08:00

i've been in a good mood this whole week and i don't think there'll be much to bring it down =]
we don't have school this friday .
yipee .

i managed to get about three solid hours of sleep in the late afternoon,
amazingly .
i should do it more often .
it makes me feel nice=]

in this fast paced life we live in,
there's hardly anytime to stop and smile at someone .
even if that someone is your mummy or daddy .
but you should .
you should stop and smile,
ask how one's day went and bother to listen to the response .
the closest anyone gets to greetings is

" wassup man,how's it been going?"

" my life is in pieces,im flunking everythings in school,
my parents are on the verge of divorce and my older brother's and alcoholic ."

response:
"that's great mann, keep it cool ."

so much for listening .
then the person 2 commits suicide and person 1 goes into the camera
"duude, i don't know what happened .i just talked to him the other day,he seemed fine .check out my jump shot, i've been practising"

hope you get what im pointing out .
honestly speaking though,
it makes me smile saying hi to the school attendants .
this one old man in particular who i happened to see in bishan once,
with his grandson .

appalled that it had slipped my mind,
i was reminded that these people do have lives of their own .
they do have children and families to go back to,
most of them anyway .
many look upon the school with disgust,
turning their back on them,holding their breath as they pass .
a look of contempt visible on their faces .
i find that sad .
not that the school attendants would care,
but though i know i'm not an amazing student who abides by school rules and belts the school song at the top of my lungs,
i am proud of the school i'm in and i'm glad of the values they'd like to instil in us .

how could anyone ever forget that PL wants us to leave as gracious ladies who are a blessing to society?
i'm not overly nice, honestly speaking .
but i don't treat school attendants like invisible things which carry rubbish .

bringing me to another point which im suprised no one has written to the school about .
bus seats -

not just pl-lites of course but i noticed two the other day,
they sat on the outer of two seats .
no problem with that,many feel safer that way .
but they didn't move even as the bus slowly filled up with more people .
they didn't even move to make way for another pl-lite .

gee .
now i sound like a teacher .
haha .

honestly,
i'm glad when people put in to the school about their expectations of us as pl-lites and telling the principal where we've gone wrong .
as the principal said,it's better than them gossiping about the school behind our backs .

i'm tired about droning on a bout the last subject on earth i thought i'd talk about .haha .

im off .

whatever .

2005-05-04T00:28:00.000+08:00

how childish some people can get .
shall not harp on further .
im tired .

i typed out a beautifully long post just now, except it got eaten up .
screw technology .
i'd much rather sit reading a book than squint at tiny words on the computer screen .
any day .

anyway,
i'm starting to miss my mummy's ex-husband .
yes,
that would mean the father of both myself and my sister .

perhaps it's because of this wonderfully gorgeous book im reading .
maybe .

husband facing midlife crisis leaves wife with two children aged eight and six and goes of to live with his bimbo of a secretary ten years his junior who he claims he is "very much in love with " and "cannot possibly cotemplate life without" .

blood-chillingly famaliar .
except she wasn't his secretary of course .she was some ms independant who bloody earns more than he and he's the one forking bills for everything though that honestly shouldnt be a problem, but can't seem to pay for his daughter's tuition fees, the daughter who by the way, is taking her bloody PSLE this year and who needs as much help as she can possibly get .
and he also can't pay for tuition fees for his older daughter,insisting she bargain with her chinese tutor for a lower charge of fees .

difference is that in the book,
the father still spends time with his kids .
at least for the moment .
in real life it's different .
the young bimbotic girlfriend gets whiney and
BAM .
the kids are outta his life as easily as he kissed his first wife goodbye .
wait,
easier .

the thing with my relationship with my daddy is that we can have a ~~goodbye~~ good time together .honest mistake,i'm sorry .
as in,
we are capable of having a good time together .
but recently,
hah .

maybe it's because we're growing up to fast for him .
last year's birthday was "happy birthday darling"
from which he then proceeded to make me guess my own age .
no doubt to refresh his own memory of how old his oldest daughter was .
more recently there's a point where he leans close and studies my ear and starts counting and recounting the number of earholes i have .
which by the way,
is not alot .
i have four on my right and two on my left, hardly worth staring at for ages over .
then he nags and goes on about how come mummy lets me pierce so much .
one of the last rows we had occurred when i got pissed off and said
"if i were living with you,i'd be alot more pierced .mann i mean alot more pierced"
then he created a whole hulabaloo about me not respecting him just because i don't live with him .

the last time i met up with him,
wait,when was the last time i met up with him?hah .
i do remember the last time we ATTEMPTED to meet up though .
but we scratched those plans in the end because darling bimbo wanted to go swim where we were heading to play squash .
what is bloody wrong with you woman!
you see this man,the man you have wrenched out of a family,
seven days a week and for five hours you cannot leave him alone with his children?
what is wrong with you?
but he gets all defensive of course .
"auntie chng just wants to go for a swim .i don't understand why you have to be so harsh towards her"
go swim somewhere else then, like somewhere far far away from us where we won't see you flitting from beach chair to beach chair in some skimpy suit .

no,
i havnt seen her do that yet but it comes as no suprise and i can imagine her doing nothing else besides that .

in the end we didn't go out .
he said he texted me on my birthday but i received nothing .
giving him the benefit of the doubt and blaming say,screwed up phone lines which does often cause messages not to be received,upon hearing from your ex wife that your daughter did not receive your texted birthday wishes,why not try sending again?
in fact,
why not call?
actually,
why not turn up at her doorstop with a bouquet and make her think the world is perfect for one fleeting moment since you left her mother and sent her perfect world crashing?

ah,the things you could do but don't .

i texted him on his birthday sending birthday wishes though .
only due to the prompting of mummy or course .
i held back the words
"and im sending this because unlike some, i don't let minor tiffs get in the way of wishing someone a happy birthday"

i cannot believe i have wasted a whole blog post on him .
but there,
i love and hate him,my mummy's ex-husband .
my biological daddy .

the person my sister still puts upon a pedastal and defends whenever i show the slightest hint of anger towards him .
for crying out loud .

i don't understand the anger inside me at the moment .
i think it's fuelled by the fact that i'm missing him .
sad isn't it?
but i can't cry .
i honestly can't .
i think i'd feel a tad better if i cried it all out .
but i can't .
i'm just sitting, missing him and hating him and yet not being bale to hate him at the same time .
hah .

i shall stop my rants here .im tired .

ohh .and i can't get a tan .
ahh .

this isn't for you .

2005-05-01T21:49:00.000+08:00

im trying to figure out the purpose of blogging .
i mean,
why the hell would i want to tell the world of strangers what i did and ate today?
mann,
like "i woke up,peed and spent the day slacking ."
so i have decided .
that this blog,my blog,
is for me to air my views on whatever it is i feel like airing my views about .

this is also a place for me to whine and complain to unknowns who don't know me about the complications and weird and wonderful thoughts and things that i, as a fourteen year old go through .
did i just type out my age, my real age for the world to see?
haha .

sometimes you reach breaking point and you wanna collapse and cry .
then some smart alec comes round and tells you laughter is the best medicine .
it is,
if you forget everything at the same time .
it's nice to go numb .
it's nice to forget .
it sucks to be left feeling worse than before .
so my suggestion?
if you're feeling soddy and screwed up,
cry .
cry .
and cry somemore .
you don't even need to know why you're crying, just cry .
then pray .
then laugh .
and don't stop til you black out .
then wake up and repeat .

i've been feeling crummy lately .and i don't know why .
tsk .
i suddenly realized i miss my mummy's ex-husband .
who, by the way, is my father .
much as i would, many times, hate to admit .
yes .
i do miss him .
but he's got another life now,
seperate from ours ..
and we're marks on the pages of past chapters in his life that he can't get rid off sadly .
i don't mind him not calling us .
honest .
i mind myself missing him that's all .

-mah own world .
guess you came too late .

in the end,it's my fault .

2005-04-27T19:19:00.000+08:00

it all turned out to be pretty stupid .

my fault .
i mean ...
i started everything .
maybe she wouldnt have if,
i don't know .
geez .

school wasn't too bad today .
im not going for the Life Science Course anymore .
i wanted to real badly in the beginning .
but ,
not anymore .
Ms Sem's expression tore me apart .

chem and bio test coming up =]
and my sister just asked me a bunch of bio questions which i don't know how to answer!
oh frig .

oh yes,
i've been feeling real slow and lethargic recently .
i have no idea why .
i don't have any energy in me,
no reason to come to school .
i'm wondering why half the time .
had three free periods today,one after the other .
slept away my precious one hour and forty-five minutes .
woke up all woozy and wanting to go back to sleep .
it's times like these when i just wanna stop coming to school .
i hope it's just a phase,
a phase that'll end soon because i cannot carry on like this .
i can't carry on sitting feeling all uncomfortable in a classroom and letting the day fly by learning and absorbing nothing .

-world of my own
closing my eyes
simply losing myself in darkness
lately i've been so slow and lethargic
overwhelmed by nothing,
yet fatigue takes its toll on me .

i want to scream
i want to cry
i want to curl up in a corner
and die

i want to but i cannot .
i want to sit
and do nothing
perhaps it's simply a phase i am going through
if it is,
i wish it end quickly .
before my life wastes away
with only horrid grades to pay .

.

2005-04-25T14:47:00.000+08:00

i'm not in school again .
don't ask why .
i can't even see past the blurr in front of me .

sometimes,
sometimes i wish i could be there for the people who need me .
i can't though,
not always .
and i mean,
im not much help anyways .
people usually see me as some depressed piece of shit cutting myself .
im not all that .
you just don't know .
you just don't see .

sometimes i wanna be there for you .
but i can't .
not because im not there,
not because i don't want to .
but because you won't let me .
more like,
you've locked everyone out of your life,
out of your heart,
including me .
it hurt .
watching you cry .
and you telling me through your tears that it's alright .

this is kinda dumb .
it started off as a post about someone
and ended up about someone else .
but it applies to both people i guess .
to one,
i've never been that close to begin with,
and to another .
to another,
i really don't know .

janice,
i'm here for you .
and i need you to know that .
and i need you to tell me what's wrong cos i'd like to beat up the person who made you cry .

back to what i was thinking,
wait .
what was i thinking?
haha .
do i actually think or does all the stuff in my head come out as word vomit?

went out with joyce yesterday=]
been ages hasn't it babe?
talked about lotsa stuff .
walked around,
hung out and went home .
i miss doing that with friends actually,
though right now im actually really tired and just got woken up from my beauty sleep in mummy's office .
tsk .
the load of work i'll have to catch up on .
literature and chemistry,bio test this week =]
my favourite subjects .
strangely,
im gonna love studying for these tests .
honest=]
wheee .

been missing out lotsa history lessons though .
think i'll go ask ms hazeline to tutor me or something .
not that i don't know how to do my work .
the problem is ..
finding out what work to do .
haha .
im off .

will be going to changi airport to study later .
hope i can last .
im tired as i type this .
i shall go to sleep by ten tonight!
went jogging last night .
lalalala .

-world of my own .
you know i'll always be there for you .
if only you knew how much i loved you .
if only
i could be there to hold you tight
and kiss away your tears whenever you need me to .
if only .

this has go to stop .

2005-04-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

missed school again today .
i've got diahorrea .
tsk .
if i break out in rash im gonna hafta get tested for dengue .
gee .
mummy asked if i'd like to go to the docs .
but i said not yet .
ohh wells .

i have to stop missing so much school .
i shall go to school tomorrow .
whether or not i have fever=]
it's important .
plus,
i have two tests tomorrow that i cannot miss and i will probably have to take my geog as well as lit test after school tomorrow as well .

i'll blog later if i have time .
i'm too lazy now .

-world of my own
you broke down her walls,
made her cry .
then you walked away .

first prize .twice=]

2005-04-20T19:23:00.000+08:00

had the public speaking competition today .
missed school but went for the competition .
still been feeling unwell .
shit .
can't miss school tomorrow .
bloody hell .

already missed school on tuesday .
tsk .

anyway ,
firstly,me and all the other participants in the competition won best speaker of class .
i mean,
you had to have won it in order to qualify for the competition today .
except i didn't know the inter class thang was a competition .
haha .
ohh wells .
the trophy was a nice suprise .
kinda screwed up on my speech .
forgot a particular point and stopped for a very very long time .
-shakes head .
amazingly,
i won first prize .
haha .
ohh wells .

the two trophies look nice =]

world of my own-
i wanna be with you ,
if only for a while .

screw up .

2005-04-19T17:14:00.000+08:00

i screwed up at the syf thang .
just like i screw up on everything else .
im sucha screw up .

syf's tomorrow

2005-04-18T00:10:00.000+08:00

once again,
im at the end of the weekend .
i hardly enjoyed it .
-pouts .
ohh wells .
syf's tomorrow .
i can't wait .
we've worked so very very hard for this,
we're gonna go for nothing less than the gold .
=]

i realized something,
i like happiness=]
it makes you happy .
haha .

i .dont .understand .

2005-04-14T17:16:00.000+08:00

i don't understand .

sometimes i feel nothing can ever be so perfect .it's like,
life has got to screw up at some point .
i shouldnt think this way,
i know .
but .

i was so pissed off today i cried .
no one saw me .
or at least i don't think anyone did .
they were probably too busy thinking of how they're gonna screw up the lit test .

someone suggested postphoning the literature test today .
i was totally up for it,
i mean,what harm could MORE studying possibly do?
so i just voiced out the suggestion,
and i get such a lot of bullshit and crap .

stupid selfish pieces of shit most people are .
simply cannot be bothered anymore .
no wonder ms chan gets so upset .
the floor is dirty,you literally SEE the dust .
papers cover the floor .
desks are slanted .
screams heard at any point the classroom is void of teachers .
and i get told to shutup when im bloody effing trying ta get em ta quieten down .
im told i swear too much .

get into trouble then .
get all fucked up and guess what?
"monitress?don't you know your job is to keep the class quiet?"

go screw yourself .see if i care .

2005-04-12T23:18:00.000+08:00

i found a whole load of stuff in my com which i thought i'd lost so im in a good mood=]
yesyes .

gee .
ms chan was really upset with the class today .
and i totally understand .
don't get me wrong .
im not like,sucking up or somethang, i detest and loathe the class' unenthusiastic nature .

wasn't in the best of moods when ms chan left the class .
then in math,quiz sheets were passed out .
i started taking one for myself from the first stack and ms wong went
"pass it on .don't always think of yourself, think of others first!"
im very sure she didn't mean anything personal but with what had just happened and her harsh words .
and well, yeaa .
her words seemed harsh,
i couldnt help but start tearing .
and damn i felt stupid .
i mean im like,
usually i would pass worksheets down to anyone else but me .
it was just this once .
just this once i thought i might as well take one for myself .
and i had a comment as such hurled at me .'
frig .
im bloody crying now and i feel stupid .
haha .
just told mummy of the incident .
feel better=]

got something for my mortal .
haha .
hope she likes it .
im off now .hafta do stuff for dnt as well as art .
gee .

-my own world
I hope you never fear the
mountains in the distance.
Never settle for the path
of least resistance.
Lovin' might be a mistake
but its worth making.
When you get a chance to
sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance

Promise me you'll give faith
a fighting chance.
Give the heavens above more
than just a passing glance.

Realised i like you
for who you are,
I can't tell you its
a facade:
Don't let your hell bent heart
leave you bitter,
When you come close to selling out,
please reconsider.

I hope you dance

my own thoughts-
in times of grief and sorrow i will hold youu.
Take your grief and make it my own.
When youu cry,i cry, and when youu hurt,
i hurt.
And together we will try to hold back the floods of tears
and despair and
make it through the potholed streets of life.

my own words -
why can't you see?
i thought this had changed you .
it hasn't .
He wants to be there for you but you're not letting Him .
i wanna be there for you too but you aint letting me either .
so many love you .
i wish you'd realize .
you're not helping yourself .
and by feeling you're the only one who can help yourself,
you're simply not-helping yourself further .
get over your pride love .
see what you've been given .
see what you already have .

just another day .

2005-04-07T18:51:00.000+08:00

it's thursday .
well,the end of it anyway .
-cheers .

tomorrow'll be the end of the week .
at last .finally .

i came to school this whole week=]
haha .

went for lunch with bird and vick today .
mummy joined us too .

went shopping after that,home .
i have loads of work to complete for tomorrow .
tsk .

art .
lit .
oral presentation .
dnt .
i got something for ms Kok=]
poor her came into class with a horrible sore throat .

i'm off .
work to do .
loads of it .

my own world -
sometimes i wonder if we're gonna make it .
what if we don't ?

- world of my own
on a monday i am waitin .
tuesday i am fadin'
and by wednesday,
i can't sleep .

wait,scratch that .
i can't sleep .fullstop .

a new beginnig=]

2005-04-04T00:07:00.000+08:00

hah .
what a load of bullshit .
i missed school on thursday .
not feeling too well .
been feeling like i wanna puke many times .
the doctor i went to see was so so cute .
haha .
i was given mc for two days,but how could i possibly miss friday's sports meet?
the cheerleading performance went well .
i kinda screwed up on timing .
but ohh wells .
all our stunts went up=]

sadsad .
no more cheerleading .
we're all hoping it'll be made an actual cca .
lalala .

went to cmc after young vines on saturday .
the speaker was nice=]
studied at the library today .
saw jane .
she's damn cute,though she mightn't be nice to some people .
haha .
poor poor alastair .
haha .

napha tomorrow .
bloody screwed .
history test as well .
stuff i hafta do for ipdw .
gee .
school loves torturing us no?

i wish this year were over,
wish it was the middle of next .
wish i was on my way outta here .
tsk .

world of my own -

can life really be so perfect?
because if it aint gonna last
i'd rather my heart broken now then later .
i'd rather cry now and face facts,
than cry and wonder if it was my fault .

- my own thoughts .
i can't bear to see you cry .
can't bear to see you hurt .
i wonder if your decision is right .
but if it aint,
darlin'i promise i'll be here ta hold you tight .
i wanna see you happy ,
that's important for me you see .
but if your happiness lasts only a while and ultimately
you walk with a broken heart ,
i'd rather you not .
i'd rather you give it all up .
honestly .

2005-03-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

i vow not to miss any more school unless absolutely necessary for the rest for the term .
i have missed too much .
too much .

i hope i don't flunk this term .
i didn't do too bril last term .
mann,
people think i don't care .
but i swear i do .
more than you can imagine .

thank you for making my life so perfect .
if only for a while .

how'd i end up here?

2005-03-23T09:03:00.000+08:00

helloooo .
missed school today,as well as on monday .
feeling rather headache-y .
felt like throwing up yesterday .
gee .

i hope i'll be able to catch up with homework and stuff .
today's the last day of public speaking and im not there!
:(

au revoir march holidays .

2005-03-20T15:33:00.000+08:00

mann this week's gone by bloody fast .
hasn't been much of a holiday although i must admit that i enjoyed every bit of it .
suure,i groaned and complained bout having to go back to school four outta five days but i loved every bit of the time spent it school .
it was all put to good use .

monday-
[cheerleading]
we've decided on our uniforms and im looking forward to seeing it .

wednesday to friday -
[syf training]
the whole thing's improved overall and i feel we're closer to getting the gold than we ever thought we'd be .
the rat tails have been made and are still in the making,it's all coming along well.

hope Let's doing ok though,she's got dengue .
i'm glad i spent the days in school doing the two things that mean the most to me=]

party was great,we all had fun=]
we all stayed sane .

everyday i love you more and more .

happy birthday to me

2005-03-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me .
happy birthday to my daarling birthday twinnie steffie .
happy birthday to shawn ang .
happy birthday to grace who's birthday is in five minutes time .

thank You,
for bringing me to my fourteenth year of my life .
i wanna grow closer to You .
wanna know You
see You,
touch Your face .

it's been a while innit?

2005-03-15T02:48:00.000+08:00

innit been a while?
quite a while i might add.
haha .

there's something up with my com and it seems my account is the only which is affected resulting in me having to use mummy's account .
gee .
some activeX control thang which i can't bloody get rid of,not that i've tried .
but i can't go on the net and all .
tsk .

the past week's been good, and i've had the chance ta kiss term1 goodbye=]
not much of a holiday i must say .i'm back in school four outta five days .
oh well .
i'm not complaining,the reasons im coming back for are my loves .honest=]

i have officially declared this week my BIRTHDAY WEEK .
and know i'll have fun=]

acsb funfair on saturday wasn't too bad .
bloody crowded though .
fredrick kept wanting ta get dunked .
haha

im tired now .
i shan't type .
because,
well because i simply don't want to .
im looking forward to dinner at jack's place tomorrow .
shalalalala.

lotsa love,
-mwah .

ooookayy .

2005-03-06T21:41:00.000+08:00

Difference between the one
you like
and the one you love

In front of the person you like, your heart
beats faster
But in front of the person you love, you get
happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems
like spring.
But in front of the person you like, winter is
just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you like,
you blush.
But if you look into the eyes of the one you
love, you smile.

In front of the person you like, you can't say
everything on your mind.
But in front of the person you love, you can.

In front of the person you like, you tend to get
shy.
But in front of the person you love, you can
show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the
one you like.
But you can always smile and stare into the
eyes of the one you love.

When the one you like is crying, you end
up comforting.
But when the one you love is crying, you cry
with
them.

The feeling of like starts from the ear.
But the feeling of love starts from the eye.

So if you stop liking a person you used to
like, all you need to do is cover your ears.
But if you try to close your eyes, love turns
into a drop of tear and remains in your heart
forever.

what does the above mean?
because if it's bloody true then im one confused girl .

take my life, i don't want it anymore .

2005-03-05T14:03:00.000+08:00

take my life, i don't want it anymore .

wandered around yesterday til elizabeth called.
i was gonna head home but instead,met up with her .
guess i enjoyed the me-time for a while.
but i felt strangely alone.
i have no qualms about being alone of course, but oddly enough i felt so empty last night .
so empty .

met up with elizabeth and cherrie.
it was like...9.30 already?
gee .
i'd never been to grapevine before.
and it was nice=]
honest.
we left close to 11.30 and i headed home.
was falling asleep as i walked.
literally sleep walking.
i closed my eyes knowing it was a straight path .
and one point, a taxi driver slowed and stuck his head out the window,
staring at me hard.
embarrassing .

got home,
mummy didn't want to talk to me .
i fell asleep immediately.
woke up at like 8 plus realizing i was bloody late for the thingg in school i had ta attend.
mum's door was locked.
couldn't get my clothes ta change so i gave up and went back ta sleep.
eventually i was up and changed.
and now,
sitting here .
in a very empty house in a very empty living room .
living a very empty life .

just take my life Lord, i don't want it anymore .

- from the heart
sometimes you do stuff which you think will help.
it just pushes me the other way .
maybe you shouldn't have had me
not our decision to make i know,
but i dont get woken up that easily.
so why don't you just take me away?
rid the world of me mom,
because if i do it,
you'll be cross with me.
if you do it,
we'll both be happy.
damn it's the best thingg i've come up with.
i know you love me,
i love you too .
but you can love someone so much you hate that person .
someone said you cared.
you care so much you don't .
i don't either .
not anymore .

fall asleep .now don't wake up .

2005-03-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

sometimes things gets so difficult.
so strained.
all you wanna do is lie down,
forget the pain.
pour the pills out and stare at em hard
they'll probably help alot more,
then a painful bleeding cut.
curl up so small,so tight
close your eyes and slip into darkness.
travel that never ending tunnel and stay
ain't it so much better this way?
no tears or pain
so much easier to stay sane
to simply fall asleep and not wake up,
disappear into the ground
oblivious to all around.
kiss its sorry ass goodbye.

the end of the month draws near,as does the end of the term

2005-02-27T13:36:00.000+08:00

hellooo=]

been ages since i updated,for a while my com had been down .
went ta jazz@southbridge last night til late.blast that awful bill.haha
went ta east coast park after that=]
it's been fun .

i'll be changing my blog pretty soon .
this thing will still live of course,but only as it is left.
some who'd like me to link them,i can't .
mainly for my own reasons but also because teachers blog-hop.
someone once mused on who abused our usage of blogs more,us students or the teachers.
in some ways it is good,that teachers would like to see our behaviour outside school,in that way,"watching over us"
but then, after that complaining about our usage of language and stuff .
defamation is understandable of course,definately not acceptable but perhaps one as a teacher should talk to the student personally.ask why and stuff.

it's not just teachers who blog hop.
people from the other side of the world who know your friend's godmother's daughter's cousin's best friend's ex boyfriend's sister who so happens to study in the same school as us .they someway or other manage to find their way to one's blog at some point in time.
confusing, yes indeed.

anyway,that's just my rants for the day.
i feel fatt .-pouts.
well im off ta do ,hopefully, more constructive stuff besides feeling fatt.
damn i feel fatt .

second dayy of chienese new year .

2005-02-10T11:51:00.000+08:00

it's the second dayy of new year's .

i like the break .
but there are a million and one things i havn't done .
i can't exactly figure out what yet..

hello and goodbye again weekend .

2005-02-06T15:32:00.000+08:00

young vines yesterday .
pretty okay .
alastair came and he was showing off on his guitar.
had pizza at auntie grace's place.
went out after that.

goign out for dinner with paternal grandparents later.
youu wouldn know or understand how much i love them.
i could never even think of getting my parents to come over to singapore from penang and house sit for me while i fly away ta hanoi with my new wife.
wow dad.
tsk .

going out tmr.
mrs tan's birthday on tuesday,probably goign kbox after that with daarling clara .

-mah own world
when i saw youu again,
i felt everything in me melt.
i hardly understand this,
someone please..
help .

mah own thoughts-
i miss my daarling buu .
and my adulterous hubby .
the sexaae sexaae hannie=(
youu don't ever know what youu've got til it's gone .
youu guys aint gone .
but i miss y'all very very much
-kisses

hurry up weekend,im awaiting your arrival with open arms.

2005-02-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

studying at changi was pretti nice.
'cept i couldnt really concentrate with some person sitting opposite me,
eating cheesecake in exaggerated motions.
tsk .

ending up studying at a really really nice place,no it wasn't the gallery.
haha.
but i managed ta do a teensy weensy bit of studying.

had cheerleading yesterday,i didn even practice but it aint so badd.
of course,us being girls,we always lie about our weight.
we always want other people thinking we're lighter than we really are.
but if that lie means a difference as to whether youu're a flyer or not,that's slightly different.
youu do not only hurt yourself,youu hurt other people as well.
youu've gone through,4,5, teams and all of them complained bout your weight.
heyy,don't get me wrong girl,im not exactly light,but at least i aint insisting im so friggin light when everyone doubts that.
and it's always other people's fault innit?
we tried,
we honestly did,and girl youu can't find fault with us,everything was done properly and the coach watched us.
she had difficulty lifting youu and on top of that,youu couldnt balance,slipping,falling all over the place.
and who do youu blame?me.herr.
everyone but yourself.
give us all a break.43kg my ass.

had house meeting today,was made ta stay backk?
tsk .
how extremely err-tate-ing.
i didn even know til today and it's supposedly my fault because i should've seen the board.should've known where it was.

basketball tomorroe.
mummy's meeting up with the four of em.
we're starting the sale of bracelets and all tmr.

*mah own world*
i smelt a familiar smell this morning.
a smell which brought back something...
something i couldn put my fingerr on.
then it suddenly occurred to me,
it was my widdle buu's smell
-sniffle .
the silence of her absence is deafening,
the empty seat in front of me an invisible obstacle between me and the board.
and i realized how much i miss my buu.
how much i miss seeing herr in school.

-world of my own
so much fer new year's resolutions.
it always happens like this,
and i hate myself fer it.

ohh yes,there's this girl in school who hates me.
someone please bloody tell me why.
irritant.
the looks she gives me,
the rubbish she stuffs into my friends brains about me.
gee .
i don't even know youu.
i don't care about youu.
i don't bloody like you either.
so instead of continuing in your ah lian-ish ways and whispering everytime i pass youu in school,or going "damn i hate that girl," as i pass...
have the guts ta walk up to me and bloody say it to my face and tell me why.
i won't like youu any better but at least...
at least i know youu deserve the tinest bit of respect i might find in myself to give youu,like spitting on your face before slapping it.
wait,im not capable of such horrid things.
i'll probably just tell youu you're a bitch to your face too!
and guess what,it'll be the beginning of a beautiful friendship because one thing we have in common is that we both hate each other's guts.

byebye weekend.

2005-01-30T18:32:00.000+08:00

the weekend is gone:(

went ta the jazz bar yesterdayy.
it was so so so so nice=)
i wanna go again.
haha

went out with daarling twinnie today.
she got upset cux no one checked herr out and she insisted lotsa people checked me out.
-cough.
liars go ta hell darling twinnie,dun lie.

on my way home,i was on the train and at one of the stops this card 'flew' ta where i was.
i let it fall to the groud and waited a few more stops before picking it up.
there was a guy's name,number and the words "call me" scribbled on it.
typical .

school tmr.
heading ta changi ta study after that.

shalalala.
saw the cuute bung today.
her hair's blue.
it's so so cuute.
haha.
smiled at herr on the bus,she smiled backk:)

so kiss me]]

another weekend.another dayy

2005-01-29T15:00:00.000+08:00

hello.hello:)

school's been ok.
i love weekends.
i love loooong weekends more.
im not having a looong weekend but it sure is nice ta dream.

changed my layout for links.
because i've come to the conclusion then more than just students blog-hop.
im not resorting to locking my blog up yet.
i decided to have a blog to blog my happenings.
i knew full well from the start that strangers non-strangers would happen across my blog.
i didn't count on teachers.
im expressing myself in my diary.
im allowing youu to read it.
and youu guys say we abuse the usage of blogs?
i think not.
is it not more the other way around?

im going out later.
yay.
been so tied up in school and all.
the weeked is bliss.
ignorance is bliss.
for now,at elast these few hours ahead,
im contented and happy.
heading to a jazz bar later.
hope it's nice=]
i love jazz.
who doesn't?

simply,another day

2005-01-26T19:46:00.000+08:00

a friend encountered a break up recently.
and i realized...
that girls haf a habit of bottling things up inside and then suddenly eploding at someone.
i think that's what she did.

anw,
went out fer roti prata after school then headed home.
as buu an di waited at the bus stop we started singing sunday school songs.
haha.
like
youu TAKE a lil seed and PUT it in the ground..
or
HOW DID MOSES CROS THE REDD SEA?
haha

momma thought i was nuts when she called.
tsk .

-school matters-
she was caught fer herr uniform.
how bullshitty.
leave us alone please.
we dun pick on youu fer your dorky outfits now do we?
we get caught fer too low belts and too high belts.
what do youu want?
youu're nice.
just not your taste and your way of forcing everyone into you taste.
gee .

TIT BELTS RAWK NOW DON'T THEY?

=)

2005-01-23T13:58:00.000+08:00

what a looong looong tyme since i've blogged.
haha..
went out with daarlingg twinnie on friday=)
we watched elektra.
hadta walk from cine all the wayy to lido because they didn have nice seats.
after the movie we were tempted,so so so tempted ta stay fer another movie,i mean..
after we were done in the toilet the next movie was alreadi starting.
but we didn have tyme:(
another yime,perhaps.
hahaa
and there were so so so many guys checking herr out but she didnt wanna believe me!
got herr belly button re-pierced and got mah stud tightened because the bloody thing is alwaes so loose.
tsk .
took neoprints.

-sniffle.
i miss kerry soooo much now:(
young vines yesterday,went out fer dinner at pasir ris park after that.
i tried stingray!after i had just told sam how evil he was fer eating the poor innocent stingray,i myself ate it.
tsk-shakes head.
but it was reeaalli nice=)
and the weather was absolutely perfect.hahaa

now i hafta get back into the swing of the evilness of school .
i'm gonna be in deep deep shit tmr.
and there's also a history test.and i also have chi homework.
-sighh.isn't this fun?going through the amount of poop im in.
let's see..ohh yes,im also gonna flunk the ting xie i took last week.
collapses to the ground-
how on earth am i gonna get through this year?

world of mah own-
i've given up darling,
this is way too much fer me to handle.
i've waited so so long,
and i simply can't anymore.
i still love youu,
so very much.
but youu're obviously not quite ready,
and sweetie..
i just can't wait no more .

-my own thoughts
love comes softly,
when one leasts expects it.
it's lovely watching my friends get together.
as for me,
i strongly feel that for me to love a person,
i hafta first noe himm.
for now,
i guess i'll just hafta do other things...
because i cannot hang around all my life,
waiting fer someone to love me in return .

pieces of paper :

2005-01-17T22:33:00.000+08:00

i saw the glint of the blade in my hand through vision blurred with tears.
it would end so fast and yet,i didnt want it to.
i always cut there and it'd be the first place she would look.
grabbing blindly at a few loose papers in my little study corner,
i slashed viciously.
satisfied i started tearing more papers out from the magazines there,
finally,they had a purpose.
i tore out loads at a time and slashed at them again and again.
the sheer force would cut and fling quite a few pieces to the ground at the first slash.
the blade isnt sharp by the way,at least..not that sharp.

i tried tearing the pieces but it isn't as satifying as well,
slashing around.
that corner of my room is now littered with pieces of paper.
i wonder what i'd be now if it wasn't paper i had cut.

little pieces of me,
strewn around.
stepped on.
im ok

part twoo .

2005-01-16T01:12:00.000+08:00

went out today in the afternoon,
and i was going torwards the bustop,i saw this HOTT black guy.
he had a really HOTT bodyy.
haha.
and he asked mi fer my number-smiles
but i didn't give it to himm.
-sighh
don't askk why.
i just didn't.

went out and came backk pretty quick.
now im gonna go jogging with momma
-pokes fatts-
i feel so wobbbly.

waddles off]]

the end of the second week .

2005-01-15T14:30:00.000+08:00

there aint much ta tell.

went out with daddy last night,
we hadd a gorgeous dinner.
we couldn watch a movie in the end though.
ohh well.

*world of mah own
i wasn't given the chance,
and though it'll be hardd.
i hafta say goodbye.
'cos darlin,
i can't wait forever..
[the sweetest goodbye]

the end of the firstest week of school .

2005-01-07T18:04:00.000+08:00

it's the end of the first week!
yayy.
hahaa.

ooohh.
yesterday these ah bengs asked fer mah number.ackk.
but they're pretti nice i guess:)
chinese-speaking.-wince

todayy they hung arnd outside school waiting fer me-.-
stayed backk til late after school .
hafta head ta school at 7.45 tmr-groan

im tired.
n typing with one hand.
toodles .

im okayy,even though youu're so farr away

2005-01-05T12:36:00.000+08:00

vic came over tonight to help fix then com=)
thanks a mil veek.
school wasn't too badd.
the plans fer the cca fair haf totally changed.
im gonna be...well there isnt an exact name fer what im gonna be.
youu'll see=)
that is,before i freak youu out.
hahaa.

school hasn't been that badd.
i hafta aim high.
real high to get the grades i want.
i've decided i'll go fer A math.it's not because i luuurve math.
i dun hate it,and im not good at it,but with practice i now i can be.
to me,personally,i'd rather go fer math than F&N or art.
because i suck at both.
honest.
my cooking sux real badd,esp if im just learning and stuff...
and mah art..
well.
it's just special=)

*mah own world*
im just playin by ear.
livin each day as it comes along.
even if..
it's without youu.
because sooner or later it'll hafta be this way,
anyway.

the first dayy of school

2005-01-03T17:42:00.000+08:00

it wasn't that badd.
stayed up til 4,wen i hafta get up at 5.tsk .
then i rolled around in bedd til 4.50 wen i started dozing off and mah alarm clock rang.
momma came in and i mumbled smth about not getting any sleep so she woke mi up again at about 5.45.
was a madd rush gettin outta the house and ended up cabbing it ta skool.

the sec1s dun seem too badd.
i like the look of awe they give us-wicked smile
and no,they do not remind mi of myself when i was sec1.
puhhleease.
i might've been rather dorky at the start with mah extremely long pinifore,but i so did not look like them.
tsk .

we hadd a tour of the school which wasn't so badd.
'cept i was expected ta lead my ~~extremely enthusisatic~~ class in cheers. gee.

-im sucha copy cat but=)

shoutouts:
momma-
youu mighn't read this but besides elizabeth,youu're the one i can confide most in=D
even though youu sometymes nagg me and come in with your "mommy-ness"
but then again,youu are my momma:)as well as the older sister i've alwaes wishhed for(the one hu pampers me silly)haha
i love youu loads momma and thanks for alwaes being there when i needed youu.
thanks fer telling me wen im simply wastin my tyme on creatures like mucus and fart or simply unbaked bread.youu rawk momma!(but i still rawk more.heh)
i love youu i love youu i love youu i love youu i love youu i love youu i love youu i love youu!

elizabeth-
my sugarr*pukes
thanks for being the bestest darlingest friend one could ever have...i dunno how i'd haf gotten through this year without youu*muacks
i love youu loads sweetheart and youu noe i'll alwaes be here if youu need to talk:)

bwinkae buu-
sweetiest widdle darlingg buu.
i wub youu loads!youu mean so much to me and i'd be buu-less without youu.all the bestest fer this coming year darlingg and quit bullying peole who arent as widdle as youu! *muacks
the kewtiest buu of bWiNkX left herr kewtiest buutprints here*_

kerry-
my dearest darlinggest twinnie!
how could i haf not found youu earlier my other half?!
it's so strange that we didn just meet this year.we met like..onli about a month ago.
it was obvious we clicked immediately and i wub youu sooo vewi vewi much twinnie*muacks
take loads of care this year with your cheerleading and stuff.
enjoy yourself and NO youu are not fatt!i am!-sticks out tongue-

nerdizza(the wittle pokemon)-
HAHA
my darlingg hubby!*kisses ner
youu're one of the bestest shopping buddies ever=D
we hafta go shopping soon!soon soon soon!
youu've been a great friend to talk to about,well everything..
the bestest(and only) person i can start imagining futures for people with.
remember how we discussed *coff* and *ahem*?hahaa
it's like i've known youu forever and i've onli met youu this year:)
like youu said,we've all definately grown alot closer and hung onto each other unlike those other cliques all over the place.hahaa.
i love youu loads sweetheart!dun study too hardd this year or your hair might fall out=D

hannie bannanie-
the girl with the hottest bod ever!
quit losing weight,youu're not fatt!hahaa
youu're an awesome person to go shopping with,our taste in gorgeous expensive clothes we can't affor is absolutely impeccable.
study hardd fer this year sweetheart,i love youu loads=)

aidan-
im doing this cux i might not be able to say bye to youu before youu leave so
BYE.and haf a wonderful tyme in thailand.
all the best fer the following year and dun overwork yourself with studies=)
lotsa love!

veektor-
i rawk i rawk i rawk!
thanks fer being someone i can alwaes talk to and fer being to me,the bigg brother i never hadd=)
take loads of care while youu're in the army.im gonna laugh at youu wen youu come backk all bald.hurrhurr

Jalore-
youu suck fer leaving me here,all alone,in this school,without someone to hugg.
all the best fer this following year sweetheart.takkair an dpromise we'll keep in touch*muacks

i hafta stopp here or i'm just gonna go on and on and on.
i shall now go jogging!
joggjoggjogg.
toodles!

-

2005-01-02T18:50:00.000+08:00

came ta blog for a while since you asked me to .
NAH , im not gonna say i love you .
NAH , im not gonna say you rock .
BCOS , im not as ego as You . - points ta charis .
LOL .
i wanted ta type smth for you in my blog but gave up .
HAHAHA .
and im too lazy now . So , yeah .
:P
STAY HAPPY WOMANNNNNNN .

you're my HONEY . i'm yr SUGAR .

(( get me a bucket , i'm gonna puke ))

happy new year's!

2005-01-02T14:59:00.000+08:00

2.23pm

yeaa..
i noe it's kinda late but i havn't been able to come online all that much.
haha.
i love the new layout though.
simple,elegant and in my opinion,classy=)
the week's not been too badd,
and i hadd fun in cmc and stuff.
victor came and everyone automatically took it that he was my boyfriend.
gee .
i mean..-shakes head-
and like this guy who i knew,his son apparently likes me..
he asked about victor and was like
"ohh,he's 21?your mom doesn mind the age gap?"
and im like...
"err.he's not my boyfriend"
went pubbing after that.
i got to try Erdinger's which was realli nice and the cups they came in were so cuute!
went back home at about 4.30/5am

ohh wells.
dinner at aunty susan's place yesterday...
i was sulking so i onli took a lil bit of pie.
which was extremely nice by the way.hahaa
was supposed to go ta cmc today,i mean..
i had the alarm set,my clothes planned out and everything packed and ready...
but i slept through the alarm and woke up at 11.tsk.

*mah own world*
i dun geddit?
please explain.
im on the verge of givin up,
i can't make it through the rain.
at first i didn't understand,
why she didn want me going through so much pain..
bcause it all seemed nothing,
when youu smiled your smile,it took away that pain.
but now it all seems unclear,
i hardly understand.
please explain it all to me,
tell me where i stand.

the year 2005

2004-12-31T01:52:00.000+08:00

1.53am

good mornin.
this week's been rather boring actually.
basically just studied in the library like a good wittle gurl.
finished bits of my homework.
the one that im the most keen on,the english compo..
i've decided to rewrite it.
because when i hand it in,it has to be unlike anything i've ever written before.
don't ask why im sudden;y putitng in so much effort.
mebbe it's cux im giving up on my other subjects.
maybe.

going out ta watch kung fu hustle with veektor tmr=)
after that it'll be nightwatch.
i'll see friends i havnt seen fer ages.
hahaa.
rather looking forward to it .

*world of mah own*
i realized...
im not in love anymore.
is that wierd?

*mah own thoughts*
have youu ever loved sumbodi so much it made
youu cry?
have youu ever needed sumthin so badd
youu can't sleep at night?
haf youu ever tried to find the words but they dun...
come out right?
haf youu ever...
haf youu ever?

creation of a new blog`

2004-12-28T06:53:00.000+08:00

6.54am

i fell asleep at about 8pm and woke up at about 2am.
watched abit of telly anf drifted in and out of sleep til about 4am,
then went fer a walk with momma.
couple of insomaniacs.
hah.

yeaa well,
ta kick start the new year...
im hoping to haf a new blog.
a totally new one.
i should i just give that a pass?
nah.
haf now decided i shant bother myself,
what i am hoping to be doing though is change the layout before the new year.

don't ask why,im just like that

*world of mah own*
because i don't undertand what's happening anymore .
and i don't think i wanna even try .

it's onli christmas .

2004-12-25T18:44:00.000+08:00

6.50pm

*mah own world*
i wishh i could be there.
like youu want mi to.
but sumtymes i just can't,
neither can i help youu feel blue.
all i seem capable of,
is simply knowing,
and feeling utterly helpless.
to watch youu collapse as your world crashes down,
to see me not there,
to see youu through.
i cannot hold backk your fears,
but i'll kiss awae your tears.
i mighn't be all she's been to youu,
and i can't make myself try.
but darling what i can do..
is stay by your side=)

it's onli christmas today.
merry christmas.
the least exciting so farr,
but i loved the company.
i met up with loads of ppl i've fell outta touch with...
went backk ta cmc.
i half wondered why i ever left.
i miss worship,
i miss my friends.
i miss hanging out,
and i've obviously missed out with the newses going on*shakes head
tsk.
ahh wells.

*world of mah own*
i knew himm ages before.
please don't hurt himm.
please spare himm the pain.

because i cry when youu cry .

2004-12-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

12.31noon

opened some of my presents last night.
my sister's gonna be at a sleepover so we opened family presents first.
i can't wait to open the rest
im waiting extremely impatiently,tsk.
i wanna open my pressies=(
momma saes i can but i dun wanna ruin the suprise.
got off the fone,heard how it all happened.
i couldn do much except to just be there.
i hope it'll all get better.

sar's christmas eve parteh.
i'll be going later.
shalalala
MERRY CHRISTMAS IN ADVANCE Y'ALL

it's lasted long,
i noe it has.
but youu've fallen down now,
harrdd,so long and yet so fast.
i want youu to be alright because,
i simply can't stand to see youu like this.
i hurt when youu are,
i cry when youu do.
but everything i've put myself through...
seems nothing,
when youu say youu're alright and it's true.
the fault lies with neither of youu,
youu simply cannot blame.
so please my dear,
don't take it upon yourself.
don't take upon the shame.
sweetheart,
youu're loved so much
youu'll never noe.
and all suffer the same way youu both do.
soc ry if youu must,
and hurt if youu do.
but alwaes noe,
that i'll be here for youu=)

PARTEH .

2004-12-24T01:57:00.000+08:00

12.58am

KERRY CAME FER THE PARTEH!

she is now my official twinnie=)
my sister hadd fun too.
and hannie was sooo sweet!
the food she brought was extremely sweet as well.hahaa
lotsa chocolate=)

lalalala.
the parteh,though lacking in noise and people,wasn't so badd.

i wanna haf another parteh soon=(
we'll hafta wait.i hafta get started on mah homework after christmas.
fudge-pouts

well,with christmas round the corner i'll bet y'all havin fun.
treasure the meagre remnants of the hols y'all!

*mah own world*
what if..
what if i told youu that all this while,
it's been youu?
that besides himm..
it's youu,
it's been youu all along,
all this while .

a dayy out with daddy

2004-12-19T20:15:00.000+08:00

8.25pm

just came back from an outing with daddy.
he gave mi like 50bucks?
gee.
im gonna hafta make it last.
blast.
hurr.
that rhymes=)

out shopping with ner tmr,im intending ta get my hair extentions and on tuesday i shall haf my hair cut washed and steamed=)
just a lil pampering fer christmas.but i highly doubt i have enough fer doing mah nails,saddly.
shall attempt ta do a french manicure myself.so if youu guys see it,that means it's nice enuff ta keep=)
so ya hafta go
o0o0o0o0oo.
aaaahh.

hope eli can come ta the parteh.miss herr loads
SILLY KERRY can't make it.
-waddles in circles crying]]

hahaa.
ohh well,im off.

*mah own world*
christmas love.
christmas love,
christmas love...
sumone ta have and to hold...
christmas love.
christmas love,
christmas love...
sumone i can call my own.

PARTEH AT MAH HOUSE

2004-12-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

heyy y'all.

christmas parteh at mah house next thurs,23rd dec.

ok,this is the plan.
this is gonna be a pot luck.
in case youu didn noe what that is,it's this thing where youu bring your own food and everyone just piggs out on everything.
geddit?
there'll also be a gift exchange thing...
so if youu're coming youu should bring a gift which cost less than 10 bucks and put it in a pile where everyone will exchange and stuff.

we're intending ta meet at my place around 5,and from there on slowly start moving stuff down to the park where the parteh's gonna be.
call me fer details at 98803471.

this parteh's gonna be a blast.so be there or be square=)

just another dayy.

2004-12-18T01:10:00.000+08:00

12.49am

woke up late.
and i had intended ta go jogging this mornin-scoffs
went ta pick up my books at the new skool.
it's realli beeg.
0.0
actually waltzed into the wrong skool,momma insisted it was ryte cux the stoopid piece of paper said "new campus"
blehh.
finally walked the looong walk into the new skool.
it's old but pretti beeg.
i can get used ta it.

blast.havn't started on mah homework yet.

out of the point.completely.
anyway,cabbed it home.
then went ALL THE WAYY TO BUONA VISTA...
realized that ner was on the same train as me,wen i got off,i walked directly torwards herr and she torwards me.
and then wen i was ryte in front of herr,
she jumped back cux she didn noe it was me
okayy...
waited fer vic and kris before meeting up with veektor.
then we headed off ta look fer sumwhere ta eat.
ended up in nydc.
it's a nice place ta eat.
ate til i could no more.
hahaa.
jalore and ley came later.
o0o0o.
i've missed jalore and ley soooo much!
couldn stopp hugging em=)

basically hung around holland v then went back ta auntie susan's place where we all went out fer dinner,thus bringing my extremely eventful day to a close.

*mah own world*
how come youu alwaes get the guy i want?
i've known himm since forever.
he's older then the last guy youu toyed with,
and your reason fer dissing that last guy was cux he was too old.
stopp bullshitting alreadi.
ohh mann,
this is
all.
just.
so.
bloody.
tiring.

welcome to my life.

2004-12-16T23:20:00.000+08:00

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

it's just so sadd

2004-12-15T23:44:00.000+08:00

11.45pm

*mah own world*
it's sadd isn't it?
how it wun work out.
how it won't ever work out.
as much as i'd like it to.

wishing,
hoping,
praying.
but it wouldn't.ever.

i just realized,it's alwaes been youu

2004-12-15T22:42:00.000+08:00

10.47pm

veektor just left,he came over fer dinner and was helpin ta fix stuff aorund the house.haha.
thanks a mil vic=)

i just hadd a talk with momma.
i realized i've gone out with quite a few guys,
and gotten mahself into shitty situations..
all beacause of one guy.
one guy that i realli like.
this is all so stupid.
tsk.
especially the last two guys i went out with.
what an absolute waste of tyme..
i've foun dmy life and im livin it.
why don't youu two desperate people go get a life.

he texted mi tonight,while victor was at mah place.
was askin if i'd found mr.right yet?
like it was any of his bloody business.
im wasting energy typing about himm.
what a waste of space on earth.gee

*mah own world*
all that i put myself through,
was realli,
honestly,
simply just to get over youu.
but after everything i realized,that it was youu i realli loved.
it was youu i've alwaes, alwaes been thinking of.

waddles off]]

just wasting my day awayy

2004-12-15T14:22:00.000+08:00

2.24pm

im sittin here.
stonin.
wastin mah dayy away.
sighh.

tsk.
in the end didn go out today.
sumone remind mi why again?
tsk.
o.0
just chatted with kerry.
she's so kewt!
ahh!
it's like talkin with myself=)
-beams
well,
kind of.
and everyone noes im kewt=)
shalalala.

charmaine's birthaday

2004-12-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

11.34pm

HAPPI BIRTHDAY CHARMAINE.
HAPPI BELATED 16TH BIRTHDAY NICOLA SWEETHEART!

there.
well,woke up this morning and set up the christmas tree=)
finally.
hahaa.
the christmas lights are wierd though.they blink like what,once every 23hours i think.gee.
went ta downtown east where charmaine's havin herr birthday bash.
it was quite fun=)
hahaa.

going out tmr with buu i think?
and vic's comin over fer dinner.hahaa.
supposed ta help mi fix the com as well but now it's okayy.
aniwae..
day after will be out with clara and the day after that,meetin jalore.
lalala.
busy busy me=)
i'm slackin til next week.i haf alot of homework.
havn't even bloody started yet.
tsk.

im lookin forward ta christmas!lalala.
christmas!=)

*mah own world*
i dun want alot fer christmas.
there is just one thing i need.
i dun care about the presents,
underneath the christmas tree.
i just want youu for mah own,
more than youu can ever noe...
make mah wish come true..
all i want fer christmas...
is youu

new layout.

2004-12-12T15:22:00.000+08:00

2.58pm

aint it nice?
i just read the book.didnt bother ta watch the movie and i haf now come ta regret it.
tsk.

the story was beautiful though.
and it has sucha sadd ending.
sighh.

went out after young vines yesterday.
watched "after the sunset".
i didn even noe about the show.hahaa.
but it was nice and worth watching though.

i miss elizabeth.tsk.
wen she sees this she's gonna get all ego.
hahaa.
ohh well.
i havn't started on my homework yet,i am approaching my doom!

aahh.
three weeks left of holidays while certain people are complainin bout a holidae extended for 3,4 months.
gee.
wad i would give fer that.

lalala.
i love my new layout.hahaa

*world of mah own*
wad a load of bullshit.
"i will alwaes love youu"?
yeaa ryte.
"i'll do anything ta be with youu"?
more crap.
youu're all sweet talk.
thanks for making me feel stupid.used.
"i dun feel the chemistry anymore"
youu see,
there wasn't any in the beginning.
there never was a youu and i.
there was alwaes that sumone else youu see.
no matter how much i kidded myself.
deep down inside i knew.
there was never an us.

again.

2004-12-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

nov 11th'04,saturday morn
3.29am

im on the fone with elizabeth ryte now=)
at this rate she aint never gonna go ta sleep cux she's supposed ta wake up at 5 or sumthin.hahaa.

now she going
"lalalala,im going high!(laughs maniacally at this point)are youu there?hurrhurr.i think butthair's awake!hurrhurrhurrhurr."
me:"youu're high"
herr:"no im not!im closing my eyes,im FLYINGG"

-clears throat

got back from HK todae and vic,buu,eli,zoe,ner,hannie,kris suprised mi by being there=)such darlingg sweeties.
thank youu

now elizabeth's screeching/whining out "twinkle twinkle lil stars"
(she laughs to herrself at this point)

gee.
now she's going off ta sleep.poor girlie.tired outta herr lil bird-brain.
HK was beautiful.
did quite a bit of shopping there=)
met my godmother and momma's old classmates.they go wayy back

*world of mah own*
i guess i looked forward ta seeing youu again.
but the more i thought about it,
the more confused i got.
there was alwaes that sumone else youu see.
and sadd ta say,
though i was happy with youu,
in love was one thing i wasn't.
cux i hadd sumone else on mah mind.
wen i arrived i expected ta hear from youu,
a sign.
anything.that youu were still there.
but instead i got a message,
from sumone else hu cared.
all this while youu were just a rebound.
between us there was never anything.
sadd but true it is.
cux sumone else has hadd my heart,
a relationship worth dreaming.

*mah own world*
youu were there,
at the beginning.
and at the end.

today again

2004-12-05T16:27:00.000+08:00

-LA tyme-
12.27am,saturday/sunday

jux came back from another movie=D

house of flying daggers is a veri nice movie.
extremely beautiful with zilch storyline.
so dun get to0 upset if ya find yourself trying ta figure bits of the movie out,it just means u're stupid.go ask your doc if he noes how ta help youu=)

im absolutely serious here.
i mean,how much more serious do i hafta be?
im up in the middle of the night typing this while my
23 year old cousin hu is SUPPOSEDLY veri intelligent is continuously saying
"BUBLE" over and over and over again.
quote: "buble!BOOOOO-BLAY!i like this word!i sound so british!buble!BOO-BLAY"

-clears throat.
he's gonna turn it into a word now.gee

now he's saying he's BOO-BLAY.
wotevaa

saturdae.monday's approaching too fast

2004-12-05T02:32:00.000+08:00

-LA tyme-
december 4th,saturday.
10.33am

monday's approaching too fast.and i dun like it
-pouts

these past few daes..havn't been to0 badd.
pretti okay,imjux extremely broke.dammit.

watched a movie last night.glenn rented
"league of extraodinary gentleman"
it was a prettie good show.aint to0 badd.
ya need alot of imagination though.

slept at 2am.gee.
mah eyebaggs!
-whines
it was so cold last night,mah teeth were chattering.
hahaa.

glenn's gotten mi started on this author hu's real funny.
haha.
Dave Barry's his name.
and his books are hilarious!
he has the ability to charm one with nonsense so compelling that it almost makes sense!
(pause fer laughter)

aniwae.aint doin much now...
jux hadd breakfast.
gonna go ta cosco ta pick up mah pictures todae,and then we're going shopping.
with all of the US$21 i haf in mah wallet.tsk.
mah lil sister,hu by the way is 11 years of age,still has like...
about US$120++ out of the US$162 we both were given.
i've spent so bloody much!
-whines

okayy,i hafta stop whining like..now=)

missing youu guys heaps!
waddles off]]

todayy

2004-12-01T10:06:00.000+08:00

-LA tyme-
tuesday,30th nov'04,5.07pm

i dun wanna go home=(
while i was bathing last nite i realized...
i realized that no matter how much i miss y'all back in singapore,
im gonna miss LA wen i leave.
and blast it all,im leaving next monday and headin fer hongkong.
frig.
wen i first arrived all i could think about was how much i missed y'all back in singapore.
and dun get mi wrong,i do even now.
but then,ta think that i'll be leaving so soon.
i dun wanna go=(
im gonna miss all mah beeg brothers i've alwaes wished fer.
especially glenn=D
cux he's like a beeg brother ta mi.
hurrhurr.

aniwae,enuff whining.
went jogging last nite.
it was bloody cold.
okayy,imagine feeling warm inside,sweating,
yet ya feel so cold and ya can't breathe properly.
hahaa.
it was pretti much like that.
aniwae,im off ta enjoy wad's left of my veri wasted day.
s'long!

part twoo of today.

2004-11-29T13:29:00.000+08:00

-LA tyme-
same day,or rather the end of it,9.42pm

came back from dinner with auntie joanna.
tommy n mya were there.
they're married now.
had tomyam soup=D
gee.
i hadd twoo things today theat zoe would like.hahaa
spongebob square pants n tomyam=)

sunday at church

2004-11-29T08:06:00.000+08:00

-LA tyme-
28th nov'04,sunday,4.10pm

went ta glenn's church today.
it's realli small.
wayy smaller than mine back in singapore=)
it all took place in a kewt lil kindergarten classroom.
glenn preached,i teared.

salvation is free,but it aint cheap

came back ta aunt mimi's soon after that.home to mi til i go back ta singapore...
then uncle benny picked joe,my sis n i up n we headed off fer a movie.
fer mi,it was mainly just fer the experience.
but just fer the record,i'd love ta go on dates at a cinema like that.
hahaa.
it's nice=)if youu're like with your date or sumthin.
we watched SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS!
i noe,i noe.
i detest the show.i find it a waste of tyme,but mah lil sis was bugging mi n i wanted the experience=D
n ya noe wad?
im telling ya,if ya HATE spongebob square pants,
and i mean absolutely HATE it like i USED TO...

THEN GO BLOODY WATCH IT!! wen it's out

cux i gurantee youu,youu'll laugh at least once.
and youu mgiht cry,i nearly did.
youu'll find the kidd in ya and youu'll like it=D

hahaa.
yesyes zoe,i promised and i still am gonna go watch it with youu wen i get back=)
the show was kewt,realli kewt.
kinda lame,but kewt.

so aniwae,ryte now im just stoning in front of the com at joe's place cux...
well cux momma told mi aunt joanna's pickin us up fer dinner n i noe she'll get pissed if she hasta waste tyme pickin mah lil sis n i up so...
im just pissing herr off

heyy,i aint that mean.
she's real nice.
been thru alot in life,gives mi alot of stuff esp herr samples cux she's a fashion designer,plus lotsa makeup..
but she onli has a son,mah cousin tommy hu she totally screwed up on and she's alwaes wanted a daughter so im jkinda like herr seragate daughter hu she loves papmering but also hu she loves nagging n telling what ta do..
it gets tiring sumtymes.
otherwise,she aint so badd.

i'm gonna go play with darling lil jackie now,she's sucha sweetie n i love herr nutts=)

*missin youu guys loads back there.
youu noe ya love mi!

*mah own world*
it must haf been cold there in mah shadow.
ta never haf sunlight on your face.
youu were content ta let mi shine,
that's your wayy.
youu alwaes walked a step behind.
so i was the one with all the glory..
while youu were the one with all the strain.

did youu ever noe youu were my hero?
Youu're everythin i wish i could be.
i can fly higher than an eagle...
cux youu are the wind beneath mah wings...

-this i dedicate to youu Lord.

an entry

2004-11-28T11:30:00.000+08:00

saturday,27th nov'04,7.31pm
-LA tyme-

woke up today,and basically did more shopping=)
we hadd breakfast at this vietnamese restaraunt.
it was pretti gud i must admit=)
where we went shopping,
it was all quiet.
it reminded mi of britain..
hahaa..
i entered a few shops n walked out again.
went into this one particular one.veri small it was, n was checkin out lotsa cool stuff there.
furthur torwards the back,where the changing rooms were i saw boxes of shoes.
i love shoes=)
and although i just got myself a pair of boots i'd like ta bring home another pair of shoes.
preferably heels.
well,i walk torwards a rack of clothes,the shoes dun seem at all interesting.
but as im walkin awae from the rack of clothes,my eyes notice something carelessly shoved in between a few boxes.
it's black and as i walk closer,i realise it's a pair.
i noe this sounds kinda stupid but if ya think about it,shoes on display are hardly ever displayed in pairs.
this pair of black shoes are carelessly strewn on the floor and i notice it's rather dusty.
i pick it up,carefully removing the dust and inspect the shoes.
it's absolutely gorgeous.
they're heels,higher than my highest pair but not exactly the style i'd buy...
it's hardd,veri hardd in fact,finding shoes my size with my extremely bigg feet(gee,thanks dad)
i wear a 7half - 9 n though i love shoes very rarely can i find heels i like,n a pair that bloody fits.
my whole collection of shoes are more on the adult side otherwise it's slippers.
this particular pair of shoes,having caught my attention seemed ta call mi ta try it on as well,usually i can never EVER pick up a pair of shoes,decide to try it on n slip it on.
nooo.
i usually hafta look everywhere fer sumthin mah size.tsk.
but these pair of heels in my hand,they didn't look that bigg...
yet at the same tyme didnt exactly look small either.
i slipped off the heels i was wearing and slipped on the ones i'd just found.
the straps crossed over my feet n zipped up at the back.
the heels fitted perfectly.
a matchmake in heaven-smiles

but ah,the price.
something like this would hardly be affordable!
i showed my momma the shoes and,as expected she commented on the height.
it aint that high actually although it is higher than the highest i have.
the question now,
the onli thing standing between mi n those gorgeaous pair of heels was the price.
i hadd ta find out the price.
i went through the boxes most of them either labelled $7.99 or $6.99
none of them belonged to the pair of heels.
of course not,somehting so classy could not cost so little.
well,in singapore cash it aint so little but it is in US cash.hahaa.
if ya wanna noe how much it is in singapore dollars multiply it by 1.75 i think.
-shruggs.absolutely besides the point.
i then wen tup to the counter to ask the lady how much it was,she too went looking for the box but to no avail.
she took the shoes off the counter and went into the storeroom to check the price.
she took a long tyme and the suspense was killing mi,i wandered around the shop.
i knew it was unlikely that i'd buy it...my mother wasn't that keen.
the lady soon hurried out,panting.i could hardly hear herr words.
finally,"cannot find the box.maybe 20 something dollar.i gib you $6.99 ok,wan?"
she was chinese,do excuse the badd english.
wen i first heard "20 something dollar" i cringed.i wasn't gonna pay fer that.
but i liked the "$6.99" bit=)
she put it on the counter fer mi and i approached it with momma,
who seemed rather unsure.
she didn wan mi ta buy it fer the sake of buying,didn wan mi ruining my feet wearing the shoes.
lotsa stuff...
but in the end,i got it.
and youu wun believe who paid=)
i love mah momma.
n i love the shoes.
hahaa
there.
my WHOLE day,and the main activity was the buying of that pair of black gorgeous heel.
lalalala.
tmr glenn's gonna tak emi ta his church=)
he's 25,my cousin n a pastor.
hahaa.
im totally looking forward ta it.

*huggs n kisses,youu noe ya love mi=)

*world of mah own*
Lord, why didn’t you give me wings
like a bird or butterfly,
so I could fly away
from depression and pain,
fly away from the world
that makes me cry?
But I don’t need wings,
do I, Lord?
For you are here with me --
you help me through all those things.
Lord, you are my wings.

*mah own world*
Light My Darkness

Lonely and afraid.
A shadow,
cumbersome,
weighs upon my heart.
Tired and desolate.
A wall,
powerful,
holds me back.
I kneel and cry;
I want to sleep.
Instead, I call to God;
and God answers.
God’s mighty hand
lifts my trembling chin.
In the light of God’s love,
my darkness fades
and I can hope again.

*mah own thought*
this is a dream,
i dun ever want to end.
a life i wanna continue living.
forever...
except that...
i miss youu

BOO

2004-11-27T12:44:00.000+08:00

8.49pm,26th Nov'04, Friday
-LA tyme-

heyy y'all.
kinda got ta sleep in today..
then left the house with mah momma's cousins(mah uncle n aunt) n headed off
SHOPPING.

bought lotsa stuff.
hurr.
i kinda indulged mahself...
just today, i bought myself two handbags, a pair of gorgeous leather boots which my aunt Mimi paid fer in the end.
my christmas pressie-smiles-
i got a bra,or was it two?
n..lotts more stuff but presents fer other people dun count.
hahaa..
ohh mann,im gonna be so broke.
i've spent like US$130++
i bought clara's present,youu're so gonna love it gurl=)

i aint gonna even start tokin bout wad i got in disney world mann.
it's just to0 much ta talk about.
hahaa.

aniwae.
hafta dash.
take lotsa care youu guys back in singapore!
i love n miss youu guys loads*muacks

*world of mah own*
look at mi.
youu may think youu see i realli am
but youu'll nvr noe mi.
everyday,
it's as if i play a part.
now i see,if i wear a mask
i can fool the world.
but i cannot fool mah heart

*mah own world*
there's a girl in mah mirror,
i wonder hu she is.
sumtymes i think i noe herr...

it aint just a dream is it?
sumtymes i realli wish i did.

just back from Florida

2004-11-26T10:16:00.000+08:00

-LA TYME-

6.21pm,thursday

i dun bloody noe the date so...
hurrhurr.

aniwae...
i just got back from florida=)
i bought most people presents.
like all the girls...
but i noe guys wun like waddling around singapore with this bigg t-shirt saying
"I LOVE MICKEY MOUSEY"

hahaa...
i fell ill on my way back ta LA though.
yupp.
more mi.
tsk.
anyway,
it's thanksgiving!
so i hafta go now.
lotsa love=)

LA-2

2004-11-19T13:01:00.000+08:00

thursday,18th nov'04
11.36pm - LA tyme-

hadd a really nice dinner with mah whole family over here.
everyone said we'd changed alot.

tmr...
apparently there's a bbq at joe joe's house...
and after that,
i'll be staying over with mah momma's step sis.
auntie joanna.
after that we're flying off ta florida fer the next 5 days.
wheeeeeee.

this is all so exciting..
i can spell the cold air of LA...
feel the lil chilly nips at mah fingers.
it's bliss.
absolutely beautiful...
the dream,so real..
like mah wish.

*mah own world*
it all just..
so confusing.
i hardly noe
or understand myself.
but i do noe i love youu

LA

2004-11-19T04:32:00.000+08:00

thursday,18th nov'04
4.30pm -LA tyme-

LA

heyy y'all!
wassup?
i miss youu guys sooo much=)
hurr.
thanks fer sending mi off and all.
just arrived in LA,well..
actually we arrived at about 12.30pm?LA tyme..
that's like...5am in singapore.
but with all the queing up crap i onli got here at about 3.30pm in LA tyme.
at mah cuzzie's place basically.
using the com.
n now momma wants ta use it so...
CIAO
i love youu guys loads!=)

-

2004-11-17T18:56:00.000+08:00

wednesday, 17th nov'04

less than 12 hours til the plane!!

i'm gonna miss youu guys:)
hahaa...

*mah own world*
i dunno anymore.
i dunno.
mebbe i dun wanna

2 daes more til LA

2004-11-16T22:19:00.000+08:00

tuesdae,16th nov'04

2 days til LA. can't wait!

*world of mah own*
i just didn noe,
wasn't sure...
there was so much to consider.
so much ta think through.
but after all that..
i knew it was true...
that i do,
love youu.

went fer the dance rehearsal today.
nice.
irritating people there who reminded mi of other people
"hip hop fer respect"?
like puh-leeeeeeese.
but there was a kewt guy there though.
hahaa.
ohh well.

*world of mah own*
when youu asked,
i feared commitment.
i told youu what might happen.
youu're one reason i'll be coming back to.
i love youu

-counting down-

2004-11-14T07:55:00.000+08:00

sunday,14th nov'04`

i aint sure if what i'm feeling is real...
i fear very much that im using himm ta get over youu.
but youu see,
to me a fren is all youu are...
because if not,
i guess i fear trying.
i'm willing to,
but it's youu.
dun youu see?
it's youu.

the bitch of mi.

2004-11-12T19:39:00.000+08:00

friday, 12th nov'04`

6 daes til LA

damn.
have ya ever hated yourself
so bloody much,
that youu dun exactly noe wad ta do?
aaaaaaaarrgghh

*world of mah own*
i wishh i didn do it.
it's like,
i knew it was wrong but...
ohh there aint no ~~bloody~~ buts here.
youu were sucha darlingg sweetie,
and...
i...
was sucha bitch...
i dunno why i did it,
dunno wad's wrong with mi.
im sorri.
im so sorri.

9 daes til LA

2004-11-08T19:24:00.000+08:00

monday, 8th Nov'04

9 daes til LA

happi happi mi:)
happi happi happi mi(:

ohh hu am i kidding?
im friggin stressed out.

no mah life aint good aidan.
tsk.
stressed out without skool.
haha.what a laff.

syf trainings and dance practices are clashing.
personally,syf is more important.
but i committed myself ta the dance FIRST.
it's onli fair i make it mah priority.
plus,it's fun=)

aaaaaaahh.
i hafta sort out the whole dance n still turn up fer syf training.
wun be able ta do it without ner,hannie n vic though
thanks sweetie.
youu guys mean the world ta me=)
it might be easier with less whiney ppl.
say..cordelia?
she aint badd.
realli.
just...
ohh i dunno,i aint so greatt.
blehh..

9 daes til LA

*world of mah own*
i still love youu daddy.
i alwaes will

*my own world*
mebbe if i see less of youu.
feelings will fade.
i almost did it once,
just that everything came floodin back
wen i saw youu again.
it's sadd.
that it'll nvr work out.
but i love youu all the same.

still countin down.11 daes left.

2004-11-06T16:32:00.000+08:00

saturday,6th nov'04`

20 11 daes til LA

i havn't been bloggin cux im LAZIEH.
lazieh lazieh me.
-nodds

aniwae,
that save the environment thing?
our group was one of the 7 outta the 100 plus skools who got into the finals
but right now,
we gotta practice n practice.
alotta changes hafta be made,
been watching the vcd over n over again n it aint exactly veri good.
sighh...
it's kinda lame n gay actually...
hahaa...

lotsa stuff's been happening,
halloween.hott guy:)
clara's bbq on thursdae
n movie marathon at mah place yesterdae.
funfun(:

sighh.
clara was supposed ta stay an extra night but her momma wanted herr back home.
musical chalet this week.
wheeeeee.
can't awae.
i'm gonna be real busy these two weeks,
hope i can fit my daddy in sumwhere.
think he'd notice when my family's gone fer 3 weeks?
-shruggs

i feel so fatt now
i've been pigging out on junk these past two daes.
hahaa...

*world of my own*
damn how i hate youu.
youu used both of us ta get ta our frens.
biotch.
it was mi hu did it.
happi?
n guess hu was insulting mi?
my own close fren.
she doesn even noe it's mi.
i daren't tell herr anithing.
i dun wanna...
how i jus can't youu!
aaarrgh.
go awae n get the hell outta my life

*my own world*
i've told mahself u're just a fren.
and youu are.
realli.
so why do i get all jealous
when i see another girl's name with the words
"i miss youu"
mebbe it's cux i feel exactly the same way
and i can't tell youu.
youu wouldnt care.
or would youu?

*mah own thoughts*
im here fer youu

11 daes til LA.wheeeeee

the endd of skool.

2004-10-29T20:14:00.000+08:00

friday, 29th oct'04`

-20 daes til LA-

freedom.
it comes to me like a breath of fresh air.

it seems almost unreal,
that at long last,
the school term has finally come to an end.

but im realli gonna miss our skool.
realli.
even though it's oldd.
and...
we constantly complain bout the badd facilities...
i'll still miss the skool.
~~smelly~~ toilets and all.
-sighh

received our report books todae.
lotsa people shed tears.
especially the sec two's cux they'll be splitting up next year...
i noe sumone was drowning sorrows in 100 plus.
good subsitute fer beer=)

hadd mah last lunch in this skool.
nasi bryani.
is that how ya spell it?
hahaa..
felt so sickk after that.

went home after that.
i noe it sounds pretti boring
well,what can i say?
i was tired.
veri tried.
went home n slept.
gonna go jogging ltr.
even though it's 11pm alreadi.
gee.
ohh well.

20 days til LA.

*mah own world*
it pained mi ta see youu hurt like that.
gutted mi ta see your tears,
n i wished i could've done sumthing.
anything.
to make youu feel better.

*world of mah own*
youu realli freaked mi out.
with your sudden depression.
sudden thoughts of death.
a jolt went thru me wen you typed
youu were dead with a bang.
i got so scared.
i thought..
something had happened ta youu.
n i couldn bear the thought of that.
you'll do fine fer the exam.
i promise youu will..

the skool term's comin ta a close.where will mah memories go?

2004-10-26T21:20:00.000+08:00

wednesday, 27th oct'04`
-at least it still is wen i start riting-

im tired.
mah leggs hurt.
mah body hurts.
im tired.

mah body's aching.

it's gonna be thursday soon.
real soon.
i dun wanna move outta this old crappy skool!
-pouts-
no matter how old n crappy it is,
it feels homely.
n i love the oldness.
sighh.
i dun wanna go...-whines-

im tired.-whines-
im sucha whiner.
im gonna sound like mah buu.
whiney buu.
hahaa.
i hope u're readin this whiney buu!

*mah own world*
what if i told youu,
itt was all meant ta be.
wud youu believe mi,
would youu worri.
it's almost that feeling,
we may be thru...
so tell mi that ya dun think im crazee.
wen i tell ya love has come here

*mah own thoughts*
it's hard ta express how i feel fer youu,
in words.
it's hard ta tell youu face ta face,
for fear youu might run away.
it's difficult fer mi...
ta look at youu as nuthin more than a fren.
it's difficult fer mi ta look at youu,
n not feel that familiar ache in mah heart.
but all summed up in three words,
it's simpler ta understand.
that i love youu so much.
n alwaes will.
let mah mind think what it wants,
let mah actions prove me otherwise.
let mah words insist you're onli mah fren.
let mah eyes show no feelings torwards youu.
but mah heart,
as alwaes...
remains the same.

me again.

2004-10-25T16:38:00.000+08:00

monday,25th oct'04

BOO.
im tired.
n sunburnt.
n tired.
i just wanna roll around in happiness.
wheeeeee.

24 days til LA!!

*mah own world*
thankew fer lovin mi.
i love youu too.
all of youu.
whole.
i mean it:)

Megaa camp

2004-10-24T17:43:00.000+08:00

sunday,24th oct'04

megaa camp was reaaal fun=)
lotsa cheering.lotsa lessons,n a nice tan-bigg grin-
i learnt a beauiful song to0=)

-we are one-
as we go thru life you'll see...
there is so much that we...
dun understand.
n the onli thingg we noe,
is things dun alwaes go...
the way we plan.
but u'll see everydae
that we'll nvr turn awae.
wen it seems all ur dreams come on down.
we will stand by ur side,
filled with hope n filled with pride..
we are more than we are,
we are ONE.

family,family.we are one(2x)

we are one youu and i
we are like the land and sky.
one family under the sun.
all the wisdom to lead,
all the courage that we need.
you will find wen youu see,
we are ONE.

-sorri if i've got sum lyrics messed up:)-

we did lotsa stuff like rafting,high elements
and running round singapore like nutts.haha

i came back home in high spirits,
nuthin was gonna bring mi down.
i was happi and high.
so why did i end up with tears in mah eyes?
a love so close,
i felt i've lost.
herr rejection and anger i cannot understand
i wonder what i've done to cause herr reaction.
i thought our relationship was the bestest.
i thought communication wasn't a problem.
i thought she'd love mi and would hear mi out.
but i guess i thought wrong.
i still love youu though.

it was cux of this today,
that once again i held the blade in my hand.
i didn noe what ta do with myself.
i cried and prayed...
and it helped.
the Lord did help me overcome
the mass of emotions which swept over me.
i wrote this song,expressing bits of how i felt.then.

-Youu-
there are so many things i wish i could escape.
so many things i wish i could ignore.
so many things i wish i could pretend aint there
so many things..
n yet,there's more

*chorus
sumtymes prayin doesn seem ta help,
sumtymes cuttin seems...
a better way out.
with so many things,
emotions,confusions.
one thing holds mi back from dyin...
youu.youu.youu.

Lord i pray You'll take away this pain.
take awae this anger deep inside.
cux without Youu Lord,
i dunno what i'd do.
n so many things,i dun realli wanna fight.

bridge*
i need Your help oh Lord,
please tell mi what to do.
these emotions overwhelm me.
so i'm liftin it up to Youu

there are other ways of venting anger.
i noe im a badd example.
the people hu hold me back the most,
are definately mah frens.
even if they're not there physically holdin mi back,
i think back of them wen i haf the blade in mah hand.
i decide then,
and i often disappoint them.
im sorri elizabeth.
and im sorri buu.
i never meant ta hurt youu guys,
i love youu both so much.
u're the closest of mah close frens,
n i'd be lost wihtout youu

hurr.

2004-10-18T18:01:00.000+08:00

mondae.18th october'04`

met up with zoeee.
she's soooo kewt:)
hie zoeeeee-waves madly-

met up with jon chua as well.
vickae,hannie,ner were all there.
i kinda fergot ta go fer counselling.
i didn wanna-rolls eyes-
i just went the first tyme fer ms sem.
no other reason.

went ta cine...
the guy zoe was supposed ta meet turned up with a buncha
not-veri-nice-lookin-poser-ish-guys.
they alls stopped,stared at jon C, then left.
then told zoe ta tell him not ta be sucha flirt.
like that's so bitchy?
sumthin i'd actually expect from childish lamers.
-shruggs-
met justin-vickae's bro- n fred.
basically just walked around after that,lix was there to0.
poor dearie was depressed again.
dun be okae sweetie?
u look waayy better wen u smile=)

met veektor much later to0.
haha...
checked out a realli NICE toilet.
hahaa...
pretti much it cux im lazee ta type.

-waddles off-

*mah own world*
is it just mi?
or is the ice..
startin ta melt again?
i dun want it to actually.
cux im not ready.
no,
not readi ta cry just yet

*mah own thoughts*
i hope what happened,
didn affect anything.
cux though youu might sae it didn..
it sure feels like it has.

hick

2004-10-17T10:16:00.000+08:00

I won't say (I'm in love)

Meg: If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that

Muses: Who d'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
we know how ya feel and who you're thinking of

Meg: Oh - no chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

Muses: You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh no

Meg: It's too cliché, I won't say, I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming "get a grip, girl!"
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

Muses: You keep on denying who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not bying
Honey, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up When ya gonna own up that ya got, got, got it bad

Meg: Woah - no chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

Muses: Give up, give in. Check the grin, you're in love

Meg: This scene won't play, I won't say, I'm in love

Muses: You're doin' flips, read our lips: You're in love

Meg: You're way off base, I won't say it
Get off my case, I won't say it

Muses: Girl, don't be proud, it's O.K. you're in love

Meg: Oh - at least out loud, I won't say, I'm in love

hurr.
the chalet was fun.
wheee.
besides the badd part.
actually the badd part was kinda fun to0,
does that sound sickk?
hahaa

i rememberr walkin around with zoee.
she's kewt.
n i havn't seen herr in a longg longg tyme.
awww.im startin ta miss herr alreadi.
hahaa...
we chatted alot n hung out.
all in all,it was fun.
at least the clean bits.
hahaa...
wheeeeee
im gettin high again.
ciao!

i hate being alone sumtymes.cux it kinda sux

*mah own world*
i think u're kewt.
though i dun realli noe youu.
but i've got a problem.
i haf a rule against guys my age.
o0psie.
think i hafta ammend that rule.
i think..
i think...
i think im gettin high so i hafta go

thanks aniway:)

and then,i was drunk.

2004-10-16T13:25:00.000+08:00

saturdae,16th oct'04`

it's wierd how outta hand parties can get
-shruggs-
i got wierd.
-cringes-
i dun realli wanna talk about it.
actually i do,but summwhere few can see n read.
i was a mess.
but it was fun i guess=)

besides all that...
err...
im just...
well,
confused.
i think that's all i realli wanna be ryte now.
the rest,is in a locked up diary.

*reflection*
did i freak youu out?
im sorri.
i didn mean to.
honest.
i carn believe
u actually managed
ta put up with sumone like mi.
i was totally screwed up,
all over the place.
youu were there.
and that's sumthin i'll nvr ever
be able ta repay.
im sorri i made youu cry
it gutted mi most ta see youu hurt.
im sorri.
so veri sorri.

*world of my own*
i did stuff i shouldn do.
stuff i wouldn do if i were sober.
stuff that's just abit more...
than plain fun.
it was nice in a way,
'cept i affected other people to0.
then wen ppl got cuddly i sat outside stoning
wallowing in my alone-ness.
it's a sadd mess.
wen's the next parteh y'all?
hahaa...
i wun get as screwed up as i did.
promise.

.:sumtymes it's better ta be alone.no one can hurt yew that way:.

youu were there.

2004-10-14T20:36:00.000+08:00

thankew.
fer being there wen i needed youu so much.
u're the bestest best fren anione could haf=)

thursday,14th oct'04`

lost it todae.went out with ner,lix,eli,vickae,hannie.
hadd mood swings?eeeekks.
i took it out on mah poor darrlinng innocent buu:(

im so sorri buu darrlinng.i didn't mean ta yell at youu n get all pissy n lie ta ya n stuff jux cux i looked stoopid=(

shuffled about.dear tweetie jumped around plucking poisonous flowers of the tree ta cheer mi up:)
it worked.
hahaa...u're sucha sweetie.
i've got sweet frens.
i feel loved.

PARTEH tomorroe.
-beeg grin-
parteh.parteh.
hahaa...

im losing it again.
im off ta bedd now.
beautiful bedd.
it beckons me.
i need ta roll around in happiness:)

*mah own world*
i dont need alot of things
i can get by with nothing
with all the blessing life can bring
i've always needed something
but i've got all i want
when it comes to loving you
you're my only reason
you're my only truth

i need you like water, like breath, like rain
i need you like mercy from heavens gate
there's a freedom in your arm that carries me through
i need you

*mah own thoughts*
i love my frens:)
but i wub mah buu n tweetie the most out of all of em.
not including momma:)
youu guys were there.
wen i looked all fucked up.
wen mah life seemed so bloody screwed up.
n i was depressed.
youu guys were there.
thankew.

*world of mah own*
is it wrong if i still think of youu?
cux i do:)
i can't help it.
and i realized...
that out of the twoo of yew,
i alreadi made my choice.
both are unattainable.
at least it seems that way to me,
it's jux that...
one i've gotten over..
and the other...
i dun wanna:)

1 MONTH AND 3 DAES TIL LA[countin down]

it's over.finally.

2004-10-13T18:50:00.000+08:00

wednesdae,13th oct'04

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

it's over.
it's over.
it's over it's over it's over!!

shalalalala.

ohh yeaa...before i ferget.
here's a shoutout ta aidan:

HAPPI BURFDAE TO YOUU
HAPPI BURFDAE TO YOUU
HAPPI BURFDAE N I'M KEWT:)
HAPPI BURFDAE TO YOUU

i noe,i'm sucha sweetie:)
aniwae,u've been a great fren.
study hardd=)actually that's wrong cux err...u've been studying to0 hard lately.
so basically,stopp studying.
n pass ur exams.which youu will=)hahaa...
geddit?
ok,err..mebbe dun stopp sudying.
but relax n chill out fer a while.
dun push urself to0 hardd yeaa?
all the bestest and takkair=)

=)

victorymilesKEWTCHARIS parteh comin up.
all invited.well,almost all.
hahaa...
it's gonna be one helluva parteh.
karoke.
palm trees n wine!-sound familiar?-
hahaa...
nah.jux fun basically=)

we're good people.haha.
after this weekend it's mega camp next weekend and after that...
err...
i dunno.
ohh yes!-exclaims excitedly-
parteh n parteh!
anione up fer clubbing?
momma's gonna be there=)
hahaa...
and a MUSICAL SLEEPOVER FER MUSICAL PEEPS!
hahaa..
ohh frig.
i fergot ta meet mrs tan todae.
ohh well.
i fergive myself=)
hahaa.

well,aniwae.
IT'S TYME TA PARTEH!!

LET'S GET THIS PARTEH STARTED...
IN HEREEEEEE.

ohh yeaa!shake it.shake it.ohh yeaaaaa
hahaa.

-waves buhbai-
i'm gonna enjoy life now.ciao!
yeaa.yeaa yeaa...feel that jazz...whoots

jux one more dae.jux one more

2004-10-12T10:04:00.000+08:00

tuesdae,12th oct'04`

BOO
i noe i've been greatly missed by many(=
hahaa...
shalalala...
indulging myself in about 20 mins of com crapp
sinful indulgence as tweetie would sae.

wheeeee
tomorroe it's PARTIEH.
yeehah!
but now im tired:)
tired lazee fatt mi(=

hafta get 10 people together fer an environment rap.
we'll be practising tmr at the trackk.
call mi if yew're interested cux it's real cool.
imagine it,
u're representing the skool,if yew win,u get an all expenses paid trip ta Japan.
if yew dun win,yew get cca points n u'll probably get ta keep the designer shirt given fer the performance.
dun get mi wrong,i aint interested in all this.i'm doing it fer my teacher.cux she's a real sweetie.she's done so much,besides the fact that it'll probably be fun=)
im tellin hueva bothers ta read this all these cux...
well cux knowing most self-centered ppl u're in it fer wad yew gain.
sadd but extremely true.
tsktsk

ner went ta cut herr hair.didn feel to0 well so i went home first.
was sufferring from an eviL stomachache.
it came in bouts,leaving mi happily laffing one moment n de next,doubling up in pain.
i feel sickk.
poor wittle meee
shalalala
hahaa...
victorymiles*kewtcharis partieh comin up.
hahaa...
lets get ner ta sing shall we?-evil grin-

*mah ownn world*
yew suck.
at least lie with conviction.
dun come up with bloody bullshitt.
it's sto0pid.
so sto0pid.
but that's an insult ta sto0pid people.
i dun wan anithing ta do with yew animore.
dun think i did in the first place.

*mah own thoughts*
i'm here.
i alwaes will be...
fer yew(=

Breakawae

2004-10-05T11:53:00.000+08:00

Breakaway
written by: Kelly Clarkson & Avril Lavigne

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around wild indoors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

the first dae of exams

2004-10-05T11:46:00.000+08:00

tuesday,5th oct'04`

lit exam today...
i totally lost it...
i dunno why...
it was so scary...
i started crying and laughing at exactly the same time n i didn even noe why.
sighh.
lit exam wasn't so badd..but i aint gonna sit here wasting tyme typing or mourning over it...nah.
i haf a life ta live.
everything's in the father's hand.
that's all i need=)
i was jux online cux i hadta type sumthin out fer ipw.
my excuse expired 2hrs ago.this is more than enuff...ciao

all the bestest y'all...fer ur exams!

*mah own world*
cux yew came into mah life
melted all the ice
and now...

-exams-stress-*youu

2004-10-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

saturdae,2nd oct'04`

HAPPI BIRTHDAE MOMMEEEEEEEEE.
shalalalala.
hahaa...
what mah lil sis n i did fer our momma was kinda cool.
different from every year=)
hannie n binkae smsed my momma happi burfdae
n hannie n ner chipped in fer herr cake which was black forest.
hahaa...
such sweeties=)
met up wif hannie n ner todae ta pass em a piece of momma's burfdae cake.
mmmmmmm.-licks lips-
hahaa...
ate a sizzlers.
feel fatt.sighh.

*world of mah own*
i noe yew did it,
so jux admit.
i dun realli gif a shit...
but i wanted a reason.
wad did i do?
did yew hafta rite that?
-shruggs-
guess u're jux childish...
lyk yew've got stuff inside yew...
n yew can't get it out.
perhaps this is a wayy of expressing.
-rolls eyes-
i dun understand why i'm reasoning things out fer yew.
hah.
cux i dun care.

*mah own thoughts*
i dun understand,
even though im tryin hard to...
i kinda jux wanna smile
n sae thanks fer being an awesume fren.
cux u've realli been a wonderful fren...
realli:))

exams are comin round...this comin tuesdae...shan't come online fer a while.
shan't blog as often as i do,or dun-sheepish smile-
hahaa...
luv y'all...
n all de bestest fer exams.
aftaa that?
PARTEHH!!
wheeeeeee.hahaaa...

yet another fridae...

2004-09-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

24th sept'04`

hahaa...
i do tend to procrastinate alot-sheepish smile-
ohh well.
so much's happened...
lotsa people would've been wondering why i was standing outside the general office the other day...-shruggs-
whether onot yew noe,it doesn't help you one iota.
not one wittle bit.
so why do yew wanna noe aniwae?
so u can spread it round de skool?
even though the five of us haf kept our mouths shut rumours haf been passed round alreadi.
exaggerated crap most of it,but rumours nonetheless.
-sighh-
i was hurt by what had happened...wad i was put thru...
of course in the end i could see all intentions were good,but the words hadd alreadi been said.i cried it all out ta mah momma.n im grateful ta herr fer being there fer mi.ms sem helped alot too.dunno where i'd be if i aint fer both momma n ms sem.

*world of mah own*
yew apologized ta mi.
i could hardly believe it...
and i wanted ta thankew cux sumhow it meant so much ta mi..
u're one of the reasons i drove myself so farr
even after the musical...
what u said jux sent mi crashing down...
but that one word,
sorri.
made everything seem right again.
and,
im sorri too.

*world of mah own*
thankew so much...
fer being there wen i needed yew.
cux it meant so much ta mi.
never thought a teacher could be so close,
almost a fren...
n in ur eyes,
i can see yew truely care.

basically,all u nosey-parkers jux hafta noe that we're innocent and it wasn't a hate crime.dun ask any more and just drop the damned subject and move on.
besides the fact u were never involved in it anyway.
and certaiN people,ner might noe who im referring to,jux carn stand not being in the limelight.
makin up bullshitt fer attention.u're a sadd person with a sadd life n nuthin else ta do with urself besides being sadd n gettin attention fer de cause of ur saddness.
helloo?i see thru ur damned lies.u've come to a point where u dun even noe u're lying.
waitwait,hold up.why the hell am i even bothering ta rite this down?shan't waste precious precious tyme.

aniwae,
went out with azu ner n vic last saturdae,supposed ta be azu's burfdae thing.
-shruggs-
took lotsa pics n all.hahaa...go check out ner's foto blog=)
this week's been pretty gud overall.strangely i was realli lookin forward ta mah practical exam...sumhow it jux seemed fun=)
think i screwed up on bio though.sighh.
chi n eng compo todae.wasn't dat badd..pretti confident,of failing-..-
shan't be so negative.hahaa...
went to the museum todae,spent the whole time in the cafe with vickae n sijia hu was sickk...poor girlie.she was asleep half de tyme...
den i was teaching vick how ta eat properly cux she was eating so messily.
went back with calista,some realli kewt bung in de library showed usm interest in herr..i think it was herr...hahaa...ohh well.

young vines`
nice,but sumhow dere was dis emptiness...at least til the last part...
wasn't so badd after that.
guess we're all freakin out over exams and stuff...
worst is aidan,kept on sayin it was to0 late n stuff.
but it ain't...not until 5 mins before the exam wen u're sitting outside the examination hall.
and,not just ta aidan,but ta all yew guys hu are muggin n all...
remember God's going thru all this with yew...and He wants to be there fer yew.sumtymes we get so caught up in our problems,feelings sorry fer ourselves,feelin dere ain't no one gonna help us n we ferget that God wants ta be there,but He's waitin fer us ta ask n we ain't.

*world of mah own*
wen yew smiled ur smile,
my heart skipped a beat.
it's hard ta ignore how i feel right now.
sumtymes i think,
it'd be ok if we remained the way we are now
but other tymes,
ohh...
i dunno.
at least u're still a fren.
a good fren.
n im tellin mahself that over n over again.
u're nuthin more than a fren...
but are yew?

*mah own thoughts*
why is it i feel u slipping awae?
like im onli dere wen u're goin thru a rough patch wif herr.
u guys are so close now,
it's almost scary...
but i realli dun wanna lose yew.
i dun wan yew ta get hurt.
i aint saying she's evil,
afterall,she's mah fren to0.
but i dun wanna hafta see yew thru that pain,
that sorrow.
cux i care fer u...
n it hurts ta see yew cry everytyme.

another fridae.gone.last dae of hols.sighh

2004-09-10T20:13:00.000+08:00

friday,10th sept'04

well,it's fridae...
and..
well,it's fridae.
de holidae didn exactly go ta waste=)
i tidied up mah room which is sumthin im real proud of.hahaa
i can see the floor!
and..
lotsa other stuff to0..
haha....
my room's kinda bigg now n i can walk from one end to the other without two hopps n a jump.heh
n i moved this realli nice lamp into mah room.looks real cool...whee.
haha...
can't wait fer sleepover's n stuff.
nic...still waitin fer herr groundation ta be over...n at the same tyme,darlin clara.
but all this will hafta wait til after exams.sighh.
after which i'll be flying off soon.
ohh mann.-shruggs-
i kinda studied this week to0.
it aint all that badd.

got mah tats alreadi.yeaa roitte.haa
aniwae,
pampering mahself with a hair and face mask ryte now...n i kinda need ta go off n wash em off cux i've left em on fer an hour alreadi.
crapp.

*mah own world*
i'm still thinkin of yew..
in fact,
u're de onli person i'm thinking of...
the onli person i've ever...
thought of..

it wasn't so badd.dis holidae aint gonna go to waste

2004-09-06T20:46:00.000+08:00

monday,6th sept'04`

school was fun=)
ms sem got us all macs fer breakfast.
but my classmates being...well,singaporeans...
had behavious which was less than desired.waayy less
-shruggs-no offence to those singaporeans.it's just...
well,if sumone treats yew to breakfast,basic etiquette would be to wait for that person to join you before you start eating am i right?
well my classmates happily started on the soon kueh sinply cux ms sem had passed it to cassie saying it was fer us.
hello?yew do hafta wait.sighh.
ms sem didn realli mind but i felt badd though.then the burgers and stuff came and everyone just attacked it once again.people started bickering over getting sausage and egg or just sausage.
someone asked sharlene how many we could take,the answer was two and she asked if she might take a third.i noe she said it jokingly,i dun haf anything against herr,it's just...well in cantonese it's mo ga gao,ho ci mei sek gor.
dun laff-sticks out tongue-dere aint han yu pin yin fer canto.

basically it means ur parents hafn't brought u up well and it's as if one's never eaten before.that aint gud by the way.
but the problem is,everyone does it so no one sees anything wrong with it.-shruggs-
ahh well.

went ta meet momma at acsb wif Lord jalore mcshiT=)
heh...MISEL CONG SISTAAAAAAA
i started yelling that as we were walking into the skool,causing a few people to like...turn their heads and all.heh.then chatted with herr and stuff,momma came down n chatted wif herr to0:)
ohh,and to all yew guys,
you will now refer to me as
Countess Charis of Farnbrough, Kent.
lovely innit?hahaa...
-yawn-
went out with momma after that...watched bourne supramacy.
it realli rawked.an awesome show...
we also bought matching earstuds.dey're kinda kewt.hahaa...
she also got mi a ney navel ring n an ear stud which is actually supposed ta be fer eyebrow piercings but are small enuff fer ur normal ear hole.
heh.it's realli cool:)
then walked from cine to bugis wif momma,chatting and all...
lovely walk.

aaaaaahh.i feel fatt.sighh.
i haf 70 daes to lose 10 kg!
i hafta make it work!
aniwae,shall go off to sleep now...
tmr will be spent tidying up me room and studying lyk a gud lil girl.
yeaa ner,i aint gonna let this holidae go to waste.i carn afford to...
i simply carn.

*mah own world*
wen i first saw yew i hated yew.
but noe i've gotten ta noe yew better...
yew're totally different.
you're amazing.
your dedication...
it's just so...
rare.
and what makes yew different makes yew beautiful to me.
yew're sucha darling.
who would've thought..
if onli other people knew you the way i do...
then they might understand.
they'd see behind the you who's alwaes pushing people...
and they'd see...
they'd see...
you.
fer hu you realli are.
the bestest teacher ever:)

*mah own thoughts*
yew were there wen i needed yew most
thankew so much.

i dun care.realli i dun.i'm just still thinkin bout yew that's all.

sho0 off,scraM.

2004-09-04T20:28:00.000+08:00

saturday, 4th sept'04`

sighh.
jux came back from church...
real tired.
Charlene prayed fer mi todae.sucha sweetie:)

aniwae,
check out the tag board y'all...
i'm kinda pissed off with it.
momma saw it...got real pissed....
o0oh ouch.dun piss mi momma off mann.
momma said it's possible ta find out hu de anon people are.it's called electronic trail?heh.-shruggs-

aniwae,she saes she's gonna take out a civil case against these anon taggers fer harassment.even if it means takin it up with the parents in case the anon taggers are underaged,she's now pissed off enuff ta do so.personally,im too tired ta argue animore.it's getting to a point where im basically fed up.
so i'm now gonna delete my tagboard.yeaa...
eli if u're here,yew noe where ta leave ur tweets n i'll tell vick n nic as well.
-yawn-

anon people just irritate me.dun haf the bloody guts ta put their names.
look,if yew haf the guts ta sae wot yew think then put ur name so we'd all noe the person behind those 'words of wisdom',spelling n grammatical errs.hah.
otherwise?don't bother!leave my tagboard alone.

yew noe forcing sumone into a relationship?wanna noe how it feels?
it feels claustraphobic.
go ahead,try it if yew think it's so fun.
someone hu's got a crush on you...someone u like as a mere friend.and all their friends harassing you to get into a relationship with her.
jux accept the fact that azu and i are nothing more than friends.
she's onli a friend to me.sure she's nice,but she still jux a fren ta mi.
you carn force mi into something i dun wan,why dun u people understand that?
you guys aint helpin azu in any way.
cux,because of what u've said...done...
one would think i'd start thinkin bout what u've said.i might if i knew hu u were.which means,if yew guys weren't anon people.but as is...
i jux haf a badd impression of her.
sure,she has frens hu are crazee bout her.
then go ahead,be crazee bout her,jux leave mi outta de equation
-shruggs-

*world of mah own*
i needed yew so much then.
i tried..
i wanted to...
but you were busy.
mebbe it was wot i saed.
if it is..
im sorri if i freaked u out.
but back then,
i needed you.
you weren't there.
then you asked why.
i realli didn noe wot to answer.

i'm sorri i didn show the other dae.n i noe how yew feel.what if..i told yew...i dun feel the same way?

past few daes,a mixture of both gud n badd

2004-09-02T10:50:00.000+08:00

2nd sept, thursdae`

the past few daes were a mixture of both gud n badd.
mostly badd but dere was sum gud.

tuesdae`
crapped up dae.spent aces dae n de teacher's day celebrations in the lab...sighh.

went back to de primary skool...being sucha sweetie=)
had spent tyme planning out a dance wif shiyun sijia angeline n prissy.
i personally think we did awesum fer a dance dat had ta be thought up two daes before the performance.but can yew blame us?young,secondary skool students who're still struggling with homework and the mere stress of being in secondary school.we do haf a life n we are busy with things.
our dress code was basically pretti simple.skool blouse with a skirt and fbt underneath so it wudn be too revealing.we had arranged things with genesis' mother..
jennifer lim.
she had wanted us ta meet her the dae before,on mondae.to see our dance.but being caught up in skool,we came late.wen we arrived,she told us to meet her the next day in the primary school before performance.
as i told yew,we had spent the whole dae in the lab getting punished so we were late,we practised as many tymes as we could before heading over to the primary school,we were gonna do the afternoon performance.we were all pretti excited n shiyun was havin stage fright alreadi.heh.
it was kewt cux i was walkin past a buncha lil girlies n one of em suddenly started waving to me n screamin hi.n i waved back n went "im sorri,so i noe yew" gee.hope i didn hurt her feelings.she was pretti kewt.n she was like 'u're the cactus lady right?' n wen i nod she turns awae.haha...so i went "oh you still remember me?haha.wow" before I hurried off.

the performance was awesum,i must sae.i myself enjoyed myself and loved it...at our first move when i spun in pulling my cap low...de crowd went..o0o0o.at sijia's following move,dey were like aaaahh..haha.we were all pretti pleased bout our performance:)in fact,i was quite sure i wanted to come back the following year to perform again!
BUT,there'll alwaes be some bitchified bitchy bitch of an auntie who'll come ta take awae our happiness of course.
jennifer lim.
she asked ta see us outside and once we were all gathered as a group,dis whole conversation took place:

jennifer: WHAT WAS THAT JUST NOW?!
group: what was what?
jennifer:(accusingly) YOU TOLD ME ON THE FONE YOU WERE DOING A CHEERLEADING DANCE!!
hello?hu in their right minds would ever sae they're gonna do a cheerleading dance?like waving pom poms in the air would totally express our thanks to the teachers.hah.-rolls eyes-
-shiyun glances as me-
me: NO! since when?
jennifer: you did! you told me on the fone! remember i called you?!
me:no you didn't! wait,actually yes,you called but i never said anything about a cheerleading dance!
shiyun:exactly,we had never had any plans to do a cheerleading dance!
wanna noe when she called?thursdae,during cyberweek.helloooo? thursdae's the busiest day! i was at the com sorting out things when she called.even IF i had accidentally said sumthin bout a cheerleading dance(which fer the record I DIDN'T), it's totally forgiveable right?even if it wasn't forgiveable...we've alreadi dance.would telling us wad yew THINK we're supposed ta do turn back tyme?truth to u,even if it did turn back tyme,the group would STILL be doing what we had planned out!

jennifer:you told me on the phone.
me: well,there must've been some miscommunication cux i never said sucha thing!
jennifer: (folds arms)ok,then why didn't you come to see me yesterday?hmmm?!
group: WE DID!
jennifer: ahh,but at what time?
shiyun and i: we were busy with school!!
jennifer: THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU ARRANGE AN EARLIER DATE?!I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ARRANGE A DATE YOU KNOW!bear in mind that she called me onli on thursdae wen the performance was on tuesdae.

shiyun and i: WE'VE ALL BEEN BUSY WITH SCHOOL!
jennifer: THEN IF YOU GIRLS ARE TOO BUSY THEN WHY BOTHER TO EVEN COME BACK AND PERFORM?! WHY COME BACK AND GIVE SUCHA SLAP-DASH SLOPPY PERFORMANCE?!(gestures to our clothes)WHAT IS THIS?! SCHOOL BLOUSE!
me: (doing my veri best to control the anger and pissyness inside me)
ACTUALLY, in my opinion i think we did pretti well!veri well in fact! and the dressing?it was planned out!
jennifer: (in her bitchified bitchy tone) well i'm sorri,your opinion doesn't count!what counts is the vice principal's opinion! and that's what she said! SLOPPY! SLOPPY SHE SAID!SLOPPY IS THE WORD TO DESCRIBE IT! in fact,she said she hoped out pl lites wouldn't grow up to dress like THIS!! (gestures once again to our clothes)
me: (i glare angrily into her eyes which i can hardly see cux they're hidden in her dough-like char siew bao face.)
jennifer:(fold arms and holds cd carelessly like it's a piece of shitt) hu's is this?
me:(snatching it from her grubby fingers) mine!
jennifer:(sounding as though she's won our lil arguement) so girls,(she sounds pleased)if you want to come back and perform again next year...
me:(interrupting her) NAH I DUN THINK WE'LL EVER COME BACK FOR ANOTHER PERFORMANCE EVER AGAIN!(i turn around n walk off)
jennifer: (bitchy loserfied voice) FINE!
group: (giggle,treating it lightly) cool,hah! awesome...
-end of conversation which wasted about 10mins of the precious time i have on earth.tsk.-

first of all,do yew think we realli care bout wot the vp thinks?do we look lyk we give a bloody droplet of shitt?!our performance was for the teachers..the teachers that we had grown up with!not for some new-comer who we didn't even noe!

and guess wot?de bitch lied bout de VP's words...cux when i was talking to ms loh about it..ms loh said that the new primary skool VP was actually her mentor and had been an ex-pl lite so she would never have said such things!hah.sorri bitch!we've caught yew n ur char siew bao face in a LIE..!!

after the incident we told the principal about it n she jux hummed and hawed and said it was good of us to ventilate-.-
gee.what great help.ohh well...
i went back home n told momma bout what happened..n wen i came to de part where i walked off,momma was like :"hah!good fer you!!yee hah!"
heh..sucha kewtie..

after that went fer what was left of cg with the musical cast...haha.dey were playing softball n stuff..it was realli fun...den got into a tickling thing with mrs tan again.haha.it was realli fun!haha.
after that jux hung out drinking and eating and stuff...then found sam n sup playing in their "playpen" which was that huge metal container where ppl chucked their newspapers.heh.so i joined em n we were making lotsa noise n stuff...
dat was pretti much it fer de dae realli...

wednesdae`
got woken up by a call from a guy from church asking to go out fer a movie,n cux he didn realli noe the others in the 'children of the parents' group we had...he got mi ta ask if they could come..sam was still asleep,sar had to study,soph was at prefects camp, n aidan was out wif his special sumone.
so being a nice person i went out wif him..watched anacondas.totally freaked out n was screamin like shitt.actually we both wanted ta watch 13 going on 30 but it was sold out.sighh.we kinda walked around abit n kinda chatted.
after that mah buuu vickae said she was at cine so while he was eating i went up ta meet her...haha...imagine the noise we made!
aniwae...brought the group down which consisted of hannie,amanda,mah buu n aumtie milesy n afterward eli joined us...intro-ed em to cephas hu couldnt talk cux his mouth was full.haha...then after that he said he had to go?so i was like...okae,bye!then waved.hten i dashed ta subway.i hadn't eaten the whole day so i was rather famished.haha.
ate something n half way thru mah meal we saw cephas n i felt badd cux he seemed like he was lookin fer sumone..n err...i didn't wan it ta seem like i pang seh-ed him cux i didn...honest!!but in the end i waved n he walked off...=)
i think he might've thought we were still gonna walk around.gee.hope he aint madd or upset.-shruggs-
after eating we walked around,took neos.laffed.joked around.wanted to watch 13 going on 30 but didn...then finally went home wif hannie.heh.cux the others still wanted ta cause a riot in town.hhaa..

*mah own world*
i saw them.
yew jux pulled ur hand awae.
felt so dejected.
wish yew hadn't done that..
if yew think i dun understand..
i went thru that too remember?
i even haf scarrs of my own..
something i dun wan yew ta have.
cux yew realli mean so much to me...
weneva i needed sumone there yew were.
i dun wan ta lose yew...
it'll be too much fer mi to bear.
but why carn yew see that i realli do care?

*mah own thoughts*
im glad i didn see yew.
dunno wad i'd haf done.
cux im so not readi fer it.
to see her.
sumone else,not me.
it's stupid i noe.
-shruggs-
but i carn help feeling dis way.

*world of mah own*
i carn tell yew straight out.
but i love yew.
n i alwaes will.
more as a fren than anything.
but i do care.
and it's true.
i mean it..
from the bottom of my heart.
yeaa,it's true..
without yew i would fall apart..
crying for you crying over him

so much to tell yew...so much i wanna sae.

2004-08-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

28th august,saturdae`

so much's happened dis past week...
cyberweek,Kbox..partyin,young vines, vineyard
haha

cyberweek was pretti fun actually.n to be honest,i was looking forward to it...
i mean,after all..it was my first time..i was sumhow made de leader n had to assign n delegate research to ppl...dat was one of the things i didn like about being a leader.i felt so...bossy.eeew

tuesdae-the start of cyberweek.or rather,cyber-3-daes according to nicola.heh
lotsa excitement.we had pretti much figured out hu was gonna do wad so de discussion passed relatively fast.heh..
after that went ta meet vick,ner,janice,rachie n hannie at cine..Kbox:)
ate lunch there...was forced ta sing a couple of songs...n sang mah most famousestest burfdae song to janice n ner.haha..
fair maiden nerrizza had boughteth us roses of which was not half as beautifool as her fair face...
haha...crap la.
after that...walked around shopping at heeren where we met tweetie.
told her stuff.
cried.
n once again,as alwaes..she wsa there...
we went around diff shops trying on black bikinies.haha!
but being so...BLESSED-rolls eyes-i couldn fit into de two bikini topps i tried on=(
sighh.
rachie's momma gaf us a lift half wae n from there i went home.

wednesdae n thursdae-
wednesdae was...well wednesdae.
nuthin much...
thursdae,everyone was rushing.it was de last dae of cyberweek.
cybermania or cyber madness was more like it.
mah com couldnt type chi so was going all over the place..apparently the library's com could type chi.but de onli website it could access was it's homepage.
blehh
typed discussions out in han yu pin yin.
sighh...
thursdae nite i stayed up finishing module 3..logic.
being the leader i had assumed i was supposed ta do compilation n stuff.
denied help offered by alyssa.
i felt badd n haf trouble admitting when i carn do sumthing.
i guess that's good in sum waes...but,in this case i stayed up til 4.45am.
i wake up at 5.30 in the morning just to let you noe..
as a result,woke up late-6am.
managed to rush ta skool,got there on tyme the folloying dae...

fridae-
went home with calista...
i had known her wen i was still in primary skool...
but i got to noe her better yesterdae...
n..
sumhow..i kinda saw mahself in her...
it was lyk...
a me i might become?
young vines after that,had intended to enjoy myself.
learn what i could.
but what was this?
so many questions being posed..
i got confused.
i wondered if He was realli there...
aidan asked how we could have faith in something we could neither see,feel,touch nor hear...
how could we be friends with someone like that?
wasn't it faith..?
that's all i had and all i needed wasn't it?wasn't it?
he asked how we could trust the bible...
aidan saed he could rite something down n claim it was from God.how n why should we believe that?
i guess what he saed was true..
i had asked myself that many many tymes before.
n now i knew the answer...
so many people...over a long period of time...
they all rote about the exact same thing...
it could onli be done if God was amongst them,telling them what to rite...
isn't that so? isn't it?!
when i prayed...
i believed God answered in His own tyme..
he mightn't answer right there n then...
He would do things in His own tyme...He was there and..and i just had to keep praying.keep believing.
didn't i..?
i mean...He was there wasn't He?
then we toked about God being our fren.
sighh.haha.i knew God was my friend...
i mean..yeaa,there are times when i aint realli close to him and tyme wen i am..
but all the same,i knew he was my fren:)
then we were told to fear Him?
how do i fear a fren?
soph saed He seemed so distant...
like He couldn't relate to us..
i thot he could,wasn't He human before?
she saed God seemed so...old.
that when you confide in a fren it's normally someone ur age
but i thought He's been there,done that!He'd understand wouldnt He?wouldn't He?!
shawn said on the other hand,a fren is not sumone yew go to onli when yew're in need.
im so sorri...i jux never realized.but now thinking back..i guess i never treated you as a proper fren.but whatever i've done,Lord yew were there fer me...
soph pointed out that wen we tok to a fren about our problems,we want their perspectives as well,aidan added on that if we couldnt hear Him how were we supposed to hear what He had to sae?why was He so silent?why?!
was it something i did?cux i didnt mean to hurt yew.didn mean to make yew cry.i Love yew so much n i noe i dun show it sumtymes...but why is it sumtymes u're so quiet?why...?

lotsa things that i heard there confused me...
i dun realli noe what to think now...
aidan asked if what he had pointed out affected some...n i didn noe if he had?
hadn't he in some waes?both he and soph?
but shawn said we all go thru that point in our lives n can onli pray that the Lord wi=ud reveal himself to each of us in a way so special,so personal that onli we wud understand...
then i wonder n ask myself..
wen i went thru that point in my life where i doubted lotsa things bout God..
i didnt seem to ask as much questions as aidan did...
was i any less of a christian then?
what did it all mean?i didn understand...
where is my relationship with God then?
is it where i think it is...?

todae-
missed ld=(
i realli lyk it...jux carn wake up,
actually i woke up but sumhow..-shruggs-
wastin 50buckx...aaargh
sum guy,fren of azu started sms-ing me.
in de end saed the same things i was mentally willing him no to...
basically tellin me not to ignore azu...blablabla
he was real defensive of "his idol" as he called her.
imagine that.and 18 year old idolizing a 13 year old.hah.
wad a laff...
he made her out to be this superstar hu couldn't be anything less than what she seemed to be...
i tried pointing out she's one hu defines herself based on other ppl's opinions.
he told me off fer dat.
i saed in all she told me about herself,her life...wad she cud do...
i jux gaf her de benefit of de doubt.
he told me off saying smth lyk..
"wth.she's wad she is why do you doubt that?"
it wa shard to explain how i felt.
carn be bothered.
as eli put it..
"jux another irritant"

went on a date wif momma before vineyard.lovely dinner
the sermon was realli gud..heh
it did...realli:)
after vineyard jux hang about...danced ballet with soph,invited ppl to dance with us but no one wanted to...=(
according to tim a few ppl outside were tokin bout us...
haha...
soph n i concluded dey wanted to ask fer our numbers but daren't come up to us.
ohh well...
haha..

now`
i'm jux wonderin hu i am...
where my relationship with God is...
where He is in my life...
how to sort out my life...
set it straight...

*world of mah own*
oh God yew hafta save me...
You're my last and onli hope.
all my right answers fail me...
i carn seem ta make it,
on my own..

are yew there Lord?
do u care?
can u answer my prayer?
Abba Father,
can you hear me?
tell me how to believe!
cux why does it seem..
like it's just an empty dream?
n i need ta noe if u're still here...
for me...

where are yew noe?are yew even there?can yew hear my prayer?are yew gonna answer?

another weekendpoofanother long week ahead

2004-08-22T17:20:00.000+08:00

sunday`

sighh...
i needed dis weekend of rest so much...
n now it's gone.*poof*over...
*yawN*
quite a few things happened dis weekend...
attended ms sem's extra maths class...heh..
she was sucha sweetie...gettin de few of us breakfast and all...
went fer ld after dat...it rawked,as usual...
haha...recieved our new ld shirts...
kinda planned out wad we're gonna do fer de sec4 farewell and stuff...
mmmmm...
had intended ta go out with eli...
but i didn noe someone else wud be there...
it erked me,that no matter what i did,
i couldn get away from her...
yeaa sure,she's a friend...
she jux makes it all wierd and stuff...
i carn help feelin uncomfortable around her...
i'm tryin not ta ignore her and everything...
trying ta be there fer her wen she needs me...
wen she claims she's going thru so much in her life...
but everything she saes...doesnt realli explain her actions
if yew were upset...would yew still be happily goin out wif ur frens?
it's so...
so aniwae,
met up n went out wif eli on bus 113...
haha,jux both of us...
den met up wif mah buuu,darlin vickae at cine...
actually we met on de train...haha...
n i was tellin her bout stuff n more stuff..
n suddenly i started singin'
yew out ur right hand in yew out ur right hand out yew go
IN OUT IN OUT SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT
do de hokey pokey n yew turn urself about!dat's wad it's all about...
heY hokey pokey!hey hokey pokey!
haha....it was real funni and UNRELATED to de topic on which we were conversing on.haha
went ta eat subway and stuff...my first tyme!-squeal-
haha...den vickae left...meanie!
den watched stepford wives wif eli..
we walked around heeren and stuff,chatted...
after de show went ta chinatown mrt station ta meet momma,
den went fer vineyard...
it was fun=)

reached home rather late...
fell asleep like..
immediately.
couldn realli wake up dis mornin...
so missed cg and went fer breakfast...
melissa was nice...
guess if i took initiative ta tok ta her she mightn't ignore mi?
haha...
aniwae,
missed worship and sermon...
went shopping fer ashley's byebye present...
after that shiyun,mel and i sat in macs ritin stuff on de card...
we left our dna on de card n left huggs n kisses in every sense of de word.
haha.

went ta ashley's place after dat fer his goodbye lunch...
sighh...
carn believe he's realli leavin...
it aint fair!-sobx-
played DDR there...
haha...
de songs and all brought back memories of LA...
wheee...
haha...
3 months -4 days before i board de plane!
aniwae,
gaf ashley a hugg before i left...
den went home...
pretty much it fer de dae...heh

*world of my own*
stoppit.
jux stoppit.
stop lying to me,
to everyone around yew...
and to urself!
i found out somethin about yew yesterdae...
de fone,de number...
it aint urs...
de person it belonged to saed hers was stolen
wonder how it ended up being used by u.
i shant jump to conclusions.
u're innocent til proven guilty...
then...
all the "pain" "hurt" u've been apparently going thru?
yeaa ryte.
i've been givin yew de benefit of de doubt all dis while...
but..
but...
everything you do doesn tally with what yew say...
i haf no doubts of what is happening in ur life...
but i strongly believe everything's been overly exaggerated.
i want to believe yew...
i realli do...
especially after de sms yew just sent...
de one wif ur "new number"
sighh.
frig.
i seriously dunno what to think.
yew tell me.

*my own world*
i enjoyed the tyme i spent with yew...
realli...
i think i realli needed it...
cux with yew,
i ferget my worries...
eli,
u've been there fer me...
alwaes helpin me get over whatever is bothering me...
gettin me ta smile again with your lame jokes...
thankew=)

sighh...
back to skool tomorroe...
i'm realli not lookin forward to it...

lose yourself.

2004-08-20T15:32:00.000+08:00

it's actually a nice song.
it has encouragement behind de vulgarities...
it's sumthin alot of us hafta hear..
so..
jux lose yourself...
in de song...
in de lyrics.

Lose yourself-Eminem

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Is he? No
He won't have it , he knows his whole back city's ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rap shit
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

[Hook:]
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is borin, but superstardom's close to post mortar
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cuz here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no mo, he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old potna, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da

[Hook]

No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this mothaf**kin roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playin in the beginnin, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhymin and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody's payin the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cuz man, these goddam food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Tryin to feed and water my seed, plus
See dishonor caught up bein a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screamin on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another jam or not
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only mothaf**kin option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trail has got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not cuz maybe the only opportunity that I got

[Hook]

You can do anything you set your mind to, man

thank God it's Fridae

2004-08-20T15:02:00.000+08:00

fridae`

Thank God it's fridae is all i can say...
so much happened...
yesterdae...
whoa.
it all happened so fast..didn noe wot i was gonna do...
or how i was gonna do it...
but...i managed to do de right thing...now,i can onli wait.
Ms Sem is sucha sweetie...
she was there fer mi all dis while...she even called mi up yesterdae ta see if i was okae n all...
mrs jacobs is comin in ta class sumtyme soon...
she's gonna tell de whole class everything dat happened...
dunno if i can take it and all...
but ms sem saed it'd be better...sighh.
i dunno if it's...embarassment...or..
-sighh-i realli dunno

today,wasn't so badd....had de chi test,
didn realli study...needed help from adeline...
sumone told de teacher i was cheating...
budden,she apologized after dat...
she said she didn wan my gang comin after her?
n i'm lyk...do i look lyk dat kinda person?
n she kept quiet.
oh man...
dunno why she thinks liddat of mi...
n she was lyk,i dun wan ta get beaten up or haf yew yellin at mi later...
eeekx.am i realli dat badd?
hope not.
sighh.
my life is...
it's lyk...all over de place.
tsk.
i dunno wad ta do...
i realli hafta stopp.
look around n wonder what i should do wif my bloody life which is so messed up.
i carn afford ta go to normal A...
i dun wanna...
i realli dun...
but i realli need dis weekend break...
it's been sucha long week...
i need de rest...need ta tidy up my life.

*mah own world*
ppl i havn't talked to for over a year,
dey're comin up ta mi..
tellin mi not to ignore yew.
stoppit will yew?
stopp tellin everyone about everything.
yew sae u're going thru a difficult tyme..
so shudnt yew be there?
by ur momma's side?
instead of telling everyone bout mi
tellin em how my ignoring yew causes yew to be upset.
get your priorities straight.
yew promised we'd be frens.
so why carn we?

*world of my own*
biotch.
dun plae wif people's feelings gurl
yew might not mean it dis tyme...
but..
oh whatever it is..
stop playing around.
ur life...
it's not just about how many hearts yew can break.
it shouldn't be..

*mah own thoughts*
are yew toking to me?
about me?
it's hard to understand...
mebbe i'm jux thinkin to0 much...
mebbe.

*to yew*
eli,
i'm here fer yew..
i alwaes will be...
takkair.

hurt*

2004-08-16T02:20:00.000+08:00

i think i lyk this layout.
i think.
i got hurt twice in two daes.
dun realli wanna tok abou it.
i'm jux...
touched by those hu were there fer mi wen i needed yew guys so much.
i dun realli noe how ta describe my exact feelings...
it's sumthin yew never think will happen to yew...
let alone TWICE.

but to all of yew hu were...
there fer mi,
thankew so much...
cux i realli needed yew guys then,and yew were there fer mi.

cried everything out on firdae nite.
n in de mornin,my eyes were so puffy i couldn't see properly.
cried again after church on saturdae...
*sighh
eli told mi i could call her weneva i wanted...
n i started crying again.
heh.
she's sucha a sweetie.
oh wait,should i sae..tweetie?
ahh well...

*mah own world*
i didn think u'd be there fer mi...
didn think u'd bother.
but yew were.
and yew cared.
thankew.

*world of mah own*
second strike.
i give up here.
saw de wayy yew smiled at her.
dunno wad yew see.
yet sumhow,
she's sumone so close to me.
i thot we had sumthin special.
but i guess i thot wrong.

dun ask mi why i sit here cryin.dun ask mi why i sighh

i made a promise.i aint gonna break it

2004-08-11T16:45:00.000+08:00

yew noe,
sumtyme in your life...
you'd realize that ur're goin on a downward spiral.
dere aint no one gonna save yew...
yew try ta save urself,but yew carn.

dat has been pretty much how i've been feeling dis year...
de musical was an escape,
during rehearsals,even if i wasn't acting...i'd still be in another world.
i got awae from all i didn wanna think about...
homework,studies..and my downward spiral.
todae,i had a physics and chem test...
had no idea wad ta study and all...
i've missed chem fer lyk...2 weeks.
towards de end of recess...i headed down ta de sickkbay wif mah buuu vickae.
were we realli sickk?even i dun noe the answer to dat question.
sumtymes..yew work urself into sucha state dat de illness becomes real
lotsa teachers came in...
raja,wang XP,chic gu,even mrs Jacobs.
toked ta us and all...
but while vickae n i were there...basically withering awae on de bedd,
both of us made a promise
-cross our hearts,hope ta die,stick a finger in our eye.pinky promise.-
we promised each other dat..
after todae,
we're gonna buck up.
we're gonna make sure we come ta skool every dae...and if we dun,it has ta be cux we're sickk with a FEVER n we're covered with an MC.
vick promised ta reduce her daily after-skool outings by half.
should we go out,it has ta be fer studying...
we're gonna work hard and do well fer our common tests and score high fer our end year exams.
it's a promise we made ta each other...
i aint gonna break it.vic,u'd betta nort either!haha...

*world of my own*
mirror mirror,
on de wall...
mirror u've alwaes told mi...
hu i am..
im findin it's not easy...
to be perfect.
so sorri...
yew wun define me...
sorri...
yew dun own me..
who are yew ta tell mi
that i'm less than wad i should be
who are yew?
who are yew...
i dun need to listen to the list of things i should do
i wun try..
no..i wun try

*His answer*
mirror i am seeing...
a new reflection..
im lookin into de eyes...
of hu yew made me...
and to Him...
i haf beauty beyond compare...
i noe...He defines me
who are yew ta tell mi
that i'm less than wad i should be
who are yew?
who are yew...
i dun need to listen to the list of things i should do
i wun try..
no..i wun try
yew dun...
define me..
yew dun...
dun define me

reach out and touch,whisper my name...i will deliver again and again...straight from the heart...honest and true...i promise yew this i will be there for yew...i'll be there fer yew...

*my own world*
i wanna be there fer yew...
dun yew see?
dun yew understand?
i wanna hug yew,
hold yew close and tell yew not ta worri
cux i'm gonna be here fer yew...
no matter wad...
but...
it seems u're actually makin an effort...
ta cut mi off from ur life.
ta make mi stae awae...
perhaps it's jux cux of ur exams,
dis is an important year fer yew...
but i still want yew ta noe..
dat i'm alwaes gonna be here fer yew...
if...
if it works out better as frens...
then mebbe we should stay that wae..
but i...
i dun wanna let go...
i keep sayin i aint gonna wait..
that i'm to0 tired.
but i carn help it...
no matter how hard i try...
no matter wad i do...
i carn ferget yew...
i dunno if yew realize it urself,
but wen i needed yew..
yew were there fer mi...
as a gud,close fren...
and i..
i dunnoif it'd ever work out between us.
but please noe,
im here fer yew...
wadeva happens...
i alwaes will be...
i...love you.

bitchh

2004-08-10T15:07:00.000+08:00

bitchh of a com crapped up jux as i was ending mi supaa long entry.
wadde hell.
n my sto0pid EXTRA sista was beside mi naggin mi ta wait n dun keep changin windows.
wadde hell larh.
MY life.MY stuff.jux get lost n go watch ur totally sto0pid totally spies.
damned irritant kept gettin mi ta help her wif her maths.
den wen i saed mi brains to0 tired ta think,she went..."aiyoh,so simple oso dunno"
so smart den go do urself larh!-rolls eyes-
den she walked off,dne kept nagging mi nort ta link her cux sum asshole's been taggin both of our boards.
it's lyk..80% chance de person tagged her board den linked to mine cux her damned thing was flooded while dat ass onli tagged mi board TWICE.
den kept on naggin naggin mi til i yelled at her ta shut up.
like s0 many people would wanna go tag her board.
if i were her i'd be HAPPI sumone actually BOTHERED ta tag my bloody board.
aaaaaaaarrgh.
pissed off as it is dun NAG mi ta do shiT cux i dun gif a damn.
normaL people get pissed off wif their mama cux dey nag to0 much,n dey complain ta their sista
me?
mi sista's de one ALWAES naggin mi n bossing me around den i complain ta mi momma if i get pissed off enuff.
n it aint lyk she's mi older sista mind yew.
nah...
she a whole TWO YEARS younger than mi-.-
oh well.
went ta watch i,robot yesterdae.it was so nice i cried.haha.
den met up wif tweetie n went around shopping.
horny bird.kept violating mi boobs.haf neva felt so violated b4!
sighh.poor me.
aniwae.hafta go back ta studying n all.im wae behind as it is...
ciao`

uninterested.

2004-08-08T19:13:00.000+08:00

everything seems so quiet.
the silence...
it's so loud.

i've been listenin to christmas songs.
it kinda brings back memories of LA...
i'll be goin there at de end of the year.
everythin will be...
different.
i feel i've changed alot,n i guess...
everyone there eud've changed alot to0.
i'm lookin foward to movin...
but i'll miss lotsa people over here...
i remember...since last year,
we've been packing.de house has lotsa boxes,some filled some empty.
i haf lotsa boxes in mi room.haha.

i haf so much to do...
n dere's so lil tyme..
i...
i need ta sort everything out.
it's all to0 messy.
i wish i could go back in tyme,re-live the musical,
then fast forward..be in LA.
then go back again,to re-live that tyme...
then fast forward to when i move over there.
dun yew ever wish that?
to live and re-live onli the happiest moments of your life.
but of course,things dun work that way.
it'd be to0 perfect and we'd never be satisfied.
yew noe,from young i've believed that yew haf an exact copy of yew hu lives like...
5 mins after yew...
i dun think u'll understand.
but it's like...
sae,i was just in Ponderosa about 4 hours ago.
right now,if i could travel back in time,
i'd see me doing what i did 4 hours ago.
if i choose to re-live,then i'd be back in ponderosa 4 hours ago,
and i might be doing slightly different things and all.
haha
kinda stupid right?
but even now,
i believe...that if we went back to the 24th of july,
no one would see us,onli we wud noe we're back in tyme..
we'd probably see the whole musical takin place,
den we'd choose to re-live,and there,we'd experience everything again.
-sighh-
if onli...
if onli...
nuthin much happened today,but i strangely feel like studying.
heh.
i dunno why.
guess im finally realizing that my life is...
well...nothing ryte now.my room's a mess.
just like my life,
just like that plans and intentions and dreams.
the smallest action is greater than the biggest intention.
i hafta get that into mi head.
sumtymes i feel like closing my eyes,
and slipping into a sleep from which i'd never wake.
budden,i'd never get to experience all the wondeful,
happi things that might lay in store fer mi.
things that i'd probably wanna re-live in the future.
but now...
now...
it's difficult to explain how i feel.
but i wanna let all mi frens around mi noe dat im dere fer dem...
den if dey feel de wae i do...
dun.jux smile n noe im here fer yew.

just another dae...at home feelin wasted

2004-08-05T12:05:00.000+08:00

it's...just another dae.
at home.
i can feel myself slowly wasting awae.*shivers*
i've onli been ta skool once dis whole week.
carn believe myself.im disgusted.
i keep sayin im gonna do stuff.den i dun do it.
i let down de rest of de cast by nort turning up at de teacher's dae auditions.
feel so badd.
im sorri yew guys.
felt realli badd last nite.
so mumee darlingest fed mi medicine and all...she even prayed fer mi.
im feelin a teeny weeny bit better now.
shall go see de docs later.i got mi momma ta call ms sem.
cux i noe she'd be worried n all.
see?aint i jux de sweetest darling u'd ever find around?hmmmmm?
oh well.
so...now,jux sittin in front of de com.
rottin awae.i haf decided!-grin forms on kewt lil face-
i haf thus decided to do sumthin constructive todae!
yeppx.
shall list it out here:
1.finish blogging and all(til 12.30)
2.head down to de polyclinic ta get and mc
3.will probably reach home at 2plus?damn thing take s so friggin long.
den come home and tidy up mi room
4.watch even stevens and that's so raven*brings bak memories*
5.hang around fer about 5 minutes feeling lyk a wasted piece of shitt
6.tidy up woteva there is ta be tidied up in mi room
7.study fer chinese n maths test,
-complete bloody bookmark sandra ang keeps hounding mi for,
-finish up history work though i dun even noe what ta do cux i hafnt done any history sutff since de term started!-sighhs-
-search fer other stuff dat need ta be done,ie;de english stuff i havnt done since de beginning of dis year.
-roll around in bed wondering wad else i hafta do
-and finally, ROLL AROUND IN BED feelin pleased with miself.

yayers!i've got it all figured out.-smiles conceitedly-
yeppx.so i hafta start of first by signing off here.
au revoir!

it's now...all over,de race we ran fer so long

2004-08-01T18:39:00.000+08:00

hey y'all...
noe i havn't been updating dat often.
oh wells.
yew guys must've missed mi so much.heh

aniwae,lotsa stuff been happenin...
lotsa stuff..
sum stuff yew shouldn't noe...
so tweetie,if u're here...readin dis,go check out de other one.
but ah wells,u hardly come here aniwae.im hurted!
de grand celebration is over.
everything's over.
over...

it feel like...
like a lil gurl....so young,n still dependent on her family....
n suddenly,im told that everything i haf...is gawn.
there's nothing i can hope for.nothing i haf left...anymore.
and then,i'm told ta face reality.
i'm told ta jux ferget it,move on...
go back ta skool.i carry out the actions of course,
but...inside,im still lost and missing everyone.

skool tmr,
-eye care rap[im rappin,go ahead n laff.i dun care]
-teacher's dae auditions...[no one's done anythin...we're dancin,ta those hu dunno.]

oh wells...
it's back...
back to reality.
i told everyone on fridae nite,
yew tell mi ta move on,to stop crying.
to let go...
but i've got a problem...
i carn let go...
i carn move on.
i carn stop crying.
i wan everything before the musical.
i wan...
i wanna treasure that special even more than i did back then.
it aint fair...dat it's all over.

btw,i've got kittens hu are more or less readi ta be given awae.
there's 3 up fer cuddlin..so if yew guys are lonely...
sadd...empty...get a kitteN=)

i've lost de spark,dat lit my life...i've lost de tune i hummed.

we...are...a...team.
we alwaes will be.i luv yew guys so much.i realli do.
thankew fer everything y'all.it aint de end.onli de begginning.

His answer.all dat He does,is a testimony of His love

2004-07-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

*mah own world*

Loneliness gnaws at
the core of my being,
wracked with grief
for happiness lost.
My heart cries out,
“Where is the peace,
the rest,
the understanding
you promised me?”
Then,
I hear your answer
soft on the wind,
winging to my rescue
and giving me hope.

put your faith in His hand
if onli to Him,
u'd turn your eyes.
u'd find the faith,
to realize...

for He is my life
He is my soul.
i noe dat God is in control.
no matter wad de world may be...
He's dere fer yew and mi!
for He is my life
He is my soul.
i noe dat God is in control.
cux all dat He does..
is a testimony of His love!!